Stealing from my brother Ryan

OK - these cracked me up - sometimes you just need stupid.....Jokes from Mitch something or other.....


All McDonalds commercials end the same way: "prices and participation may vary." I want to open my own McDonalds and not participate in shit. I want to be a stubborn McDonalds owner. "You got Big Macs?" "Nope. We got spaghetti! And blankets."

Tortillas are sleeping bags for ground beef.


I had a bag of Fritos, but these were Texas Grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. Hell yeah. Reminds me of summer time, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. "Better flip that Frito, Dad. You know how I like mine: with grill marks."

I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I like cinnamon rolls. That's why I wish they made, like, a cinnamon roll incense. 'Cause I don't always have time to make a pan. Perhaps I'd rather light a stick, and have my roommates wake up with false hopes.

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store oftentimes I will drop it, so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.

I opened up a container of yogurt, and under the lid it said "Please Try Again." Apparently I was in a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. "C'mon, Mitchell, don't give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top."

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.

That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like, you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me."

You know they call corn on the cob, corn on the cob, but that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that "corn." They should call every other version "corn off the cob." It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call it "Mitch." Then reattach it and call me "Mitch-all-together."

I like swiss cheese. It's the only cheese you can draw with a pencil and identify. You can draw American cheese, but someone will think it's cheddar. Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can bite and miss. "Hey Mitch - does that sandwich have cheese on it?" "Every now and then!"

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill.
They say that the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. But I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that. "Hey, you want some more homemade Sprite, man?" "Not until you figure out what the fuck else is in it!"

I had a box of Ritz crackers and on the back of the box of Ritz crackers it had all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. It said, "Try it with turkey and cheese." "Try it with peanut butter." Oh, c'mon man, they're crackers. That's why I got 'em I like crackers. There ain't no suggestion: "Put a Ritz on top of a Ritz." I didn't buy 'em 'cuz they're little edible plates.

I don't have a microwave but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.

I like baked potatoes, man. I don't have a microwave oven; it takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one, because by the time it's done... who knows? I'll throw a potato in and go on vacation.

I can't wait 'til this set is over, 'cuz I've got a roll of Lifesavers in my pocket, and pineapple is next!

I order a club sandwich all the time. And I'm not even a member. I don't know how I get away with it. "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "So do I." "Lets form a club then." "Okay, but we're gonna need more stipulations." "Yes we do." "OK... instead of cutting it once, lets cut it again." "Yeah, four triangles." "And we will position them in a circle. And in the middle we will dump chips. Or potato salad." "Let me ask you a question, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks?" "I'm for 'em!" "Well, this club is formed. Spread the news on menus nationwide."

Once I saw this wino who was eating grapes, and I said, "Dude, you have to wait".

I get the Reese's candy bar. If you read that name Reese's that's an apostrophe S. Reese's apostrophe S at the end of that name. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar and a guy name Reese comes by and says "Let me have that", you better hand it over. "I'm sorry, Reese. I didn't think I'd ever run into you. You're a fuckin' bully, man."

The Kit Kat candy bar has the name "Kit Kat" imprinted in the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate. Kit Kat has come up with a clever chocolate saving-technique. I'm gonna go down to the Kit Kat factory, and say "Hey, you owe me some letters."

Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr. Pepper, but it's a bullshit replica, 'cuz the dude didn't even get his degree. Alright.

They won't let you have drinks back there. I like a Jack & Coke. One time, I saw a Jack & Coke and it had a lime floating in it, and I thought, "That's good to know." Next time I'm on a boat and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I'll be water skiing without a life jacket and people will be like "What the hell?" and I'll pull out a lime. I'll pull out a lemon too, saved by the buoyancy of citrus!
I went to a restaurant and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress heard me 'cause she asked how I'd like my eggs. So I tried answering her anyways. "INCUBATED! Then hatched, then raised, then beheaded, then plucked, then cut up, then put onto a grill, then put onto a bun. Damn, it's gonna take a while. I don't have the time. Scrambled!"

A waffle is like a pancake with syrup traps.

I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Some one needs to tell the turkey: man, just be yourself. I already like you, little brother. You do not need to emulate the other animals. I used to draw you. (Stares at hand.) Man, if you were missing a couple of fingers, you drew one fucked-up turkey. You'd be like, "That turkey's been in an accident."

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and it still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, "I'm mailing those cookies to my friend," so I couldn't have one. You shouldn't make cookies untouchable.

What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance. What the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street. It's a way to open shit.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, and I said, "No, but I want a regular banana later, so yeah."

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

I make instant oatmeal in the morning then I don't do shit for an hour. Makes me wonder why I need the instant oatmeal. I could make the regular oatmeal and feel productive.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I was at a fair, and they were having a contest. It said, "Guess how many jelly beans there are in
the jar" and you win a prize. "Ah c'mon, man, lemme just haaaave some. Tell you what, you guess how many I want. If you said a handful, you are correct."

As a comedian you have to start a show strong and end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes, all exciting at first but at the end you're fucking sick of them.


They say Diet Dr. Pepper tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Well, then, they fucked up!

Total Laziness

OK - I know I am the laziest person in the world but I have discovered the most WONDERFUL invention in the world. It is Peapod by Stop and Shop. This service delivers your groceries right to the door. You simply go online fill up your "shopping cart" and they deliver your groceries the next day! If you order over $100 of groceries the fee is only $6.95!!! Hello??? I would spend that in gas just going to the grocery store! Of course, my downer husband was like "Well, what if they pick out bad produce...blah blah blah" - Guess what? They didn't my tomatoes are plump and juicy and my meat is nice and fresh (yes, everyone I know how it sounded - and I am so orgasmic over Peapod that I DON"T CARE!!!!)

Now, if I could get Target to deliver my baby stuff I would be all set!!!!!

Not much else is going on - same old same old. Work is insanely busy as usual. Did I mention that I got a new office? I love it - we were given the credit card to decorate it - it was a very nice change.

The kids have a doctor's appointment tomorrow - all three of them - and all three of them are getting shots - this should be interesting!

Joe and I are hot and cold - sometimes we get along so well that we are like two crazy kids - other times we fight over the smallest thing - it gets frustrating - things have happened in the past that I can't let go of (no - not infidelity if that is what you are thinking). I know that I should be talking to someone but sometimes I get so tired of thinking about it - the last thing I want to do is talk it out.

I guess we are just in a rough patch - hopefully everything will all work out - taking it day by day.

I have finally scheduled the Christening which will be August 20th - I have to get invitations tomorrow - we are having the party at Southaven Park - hopefully it won't freakin' rain.

That is about it I guess. I have been reading blogs and trying to keep up with everyone - I am going to go comment now since I have been so lax about it.

Hope everyone is doing well!

Ramblings.....

Well, I don't have much to update. I got a new office at work - very nice and offers more privacy so that is a good thing.

Life has been pretty status quo. Joe's Dad went into the hospital - so much family drama it is tiresome.

Here is a survey that Ally sent to me:

A) Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Newspaper Carrier
2. Counter Person at Pizzeria
3. Pizza Maker (yes, I can make a real pizza - I can even throw it up in the air!)
4. CPA
>
>B) Four movies I watch over and over:
1. Godfather I
2. Godfather II
3. Braveheart
4. Steel Magnolias
>
>C) Four places I have lived:
All in NY:
1. Centereach
2. Selden
3. Shirley
4. Yaphank

>>
>D) Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. Friends
2. Gilmore Girls
3. Project Runway/Top Chef (tie)
4. Rescue Me
5. (ok - I know it is only supposed to be 4 but...) HBO Sunday Nights - all shows!

>E) Four places I have been on vacation:

1. Disney
2. Rhode Island (Mystic, Foxwoods)
3. Colorado
4. Upstate NY


>F) Web sites you visit daily

1. My IPP girls
2. MSN.com
3. My bank ( I am an anal reconciler!)
4. NYSACRA

>G) Four of my favorite foods:
1. Pasta
2. Pasta
3. Pasta
4. Did I mention Pasta?

>H) Four places I would rather be right now:
I know this is corny but I am home relaxing and there isn't really anywhere else Iwould like to be - I am not big on vacations - it is such a hassle - I know I am such a deadbeat!

OK - I am going to add some more - juicy ones!!!

>I) Craziest Place you have had sex:
In that pizzeria I worked at!!!

>J) One person in the world who you would apologize to if you could:
Janeane from High School- I was so mean to her.

>K) One person you would smack in the face if you had the chance:
Probably Scott - Played me for a fool in High School.

>L) One Person you would thank if you had the chance:
Mrs. Cain from 8th grade Math - she was the first teacher who made me believe in myself.

>M) One person you regret NOT having sex with:
Mike!! OK - actually two - Mike and Pat - what the hell was I thinking?????

>N) One person you regret Having Sex with:
Probably a guy named Joe - I did it with him to get someone else jealous - it wasn't good AT ALL - he actually did poses (like flexing muscle poses) afterwards - I pretended to be asleep so he would leave - terrible!

>O) If you could go back in time - would you have been more or less promiscuous?
More - definately More - I kick myself sometimes!!! LOL

>P) Do you believe in love at first sight?
No - just lust.

>Q) Do you believe in destiny?
I believe that everything happens for a reason.

>R) If you could speak to anyone - living or dead - who would it be? ( I know this is a copycat question - I read it somewhere before).
Jesus - if not Jesus then my Great Grandmother - just very curious about her.


OK - that is all I can think of right now - and I am getting so freakin' tired. FYI I posted more pics on the babies' website

Hope everyone is doing well!! Talk to you all soon!

You like me, you really really like me.......

Well, as Ally pointed out - even though many people do not comment on the blog....a few are actually reading - as seems to be the case when I click the "view site stats" link on the bottom of my page which I didn't even realize existed. So I am back! I can't promise how often I will update b/c I still have the baby centered life dilemma but I will do my best.

Jenna - thank you for pointing out that the baby site is accessed by my family and they may find this site through your link if you comment - didn't even think about that!

So...here is something that I don't think I have spoken about.....

My brother is currently serving in Afghanistan and I am completely scared shitless about him everyday. He has three young boys and a wife and he is over there serving his country. The sad part is half of America doesn't even realize we are still in Afghanistan and to read the news now it seems like it is getting worse and worse over there. There was an article in Time magazine that said the Taliban is now posting notes on people's doors at night to intimidate them. Please say a prayer that he comes home safely.

He just was home for a few weeks - it was so nice seeing him - but so sad too because I knew he would be leaving before we knew it. We do not expect him home for at least another 9 months now - after which he can be deployed to Iraq at any moment. I can't even imagine how his wife is feeling - I don't even pretend to understand.

Anyway - I know you are not reading this but.......

I AM PROUD OF YOU LITTLE BROTHER!

OK - well that is my quick update. I have to get back to work now. Hope everyone is doing well!!!!

Think I am shutting down...

Hello all 2 people that actually read this thing anymore. I am sorry that I have a hard time updating the blog. Right now my life is filled with work (boring) and the kids and I don't really have too much to say about anything else at this point.

I am sensitive to the fact that this was an infertility blog - and that many infertiles read it before I had the babies - I don't want to turn this into a baby blog - I can see from the comments on the baby blog that I do have that it is not the topic most people are interested in.....

On that note....I don't think I will be posting here anymore - I appreciate everyone's support in my journey and I will continure to watch all of your progress and will rejoice with you when you receive your miracle.

I will still post baby pics and updates at the baby blog... www.babiesmakefive.blogspot.com

Good luck to everyone and Thank you.