This Uterus is Bare

WELL, just as I knew it would be - I got a call from the nurse this afternoon - Negative. I was with my father when I got the call so I couldn't get upset - Dad isn't really aware of all that I am going through right now trying to get pregnant - and honestly - he has other things to worry about.

I have to discontinue the progesterone and then go back to the doctor on Cycle Day 3 for a base line and to start Clomid and this whole stupid cycle all over again.

Am I discouraged? Abso-fucking-lutely! This is totally out of control - how come my mother could have 7 - count them 7 - kids and I can only get pregnant with one????? Why can teenage sluts have baby after baby that they don't take care of and my son can't have a brother or sister?

Why can some women get pregnant when their underwear touch their husbands in the wash and I have to have my husband Jerk Off in a Cup and have some lady inject into me .....and I still can't get fucking pregnant!!!! What the fuck is going on here??? Am I trying to hard?? It seems that I got pregnant so much easier when I didn't have all this information. All I did was chart BBT - had sex the Morning that I saw the Spike (yes the day of the spike - not the day before or two days before - but the day OF the Spike - and all websites clearly indicate that once your temps go up - it is often too late to get pregnant - well, not in my fucking case!!!) Took me 3 months with Joey and 2 months with my second - Now with all this info - nothing for over a fucking year! This is such bullshit - it really is!

Ally, Lesley, Jaime, Jess, Chastity, Heather, Jenna, ALL of the Women on PW - where the hell are our BFP's????? All of these women deserve to hold beautiful babies in their arms - where is the fucking justice - what could possibly be the plan?????????????????????????????


OK - enough of figuring out the plan....I understand that maybe I am not meant to know what the plan is....only that there is one.....I will need to be content with that.....I will need to learn and accept that maybe I will not have another child - for whatever reason that may be - maybe my son needs my full attention, maybe God knows that two kids would be too much pressure on me and I would not be able to handle it.....maybe other people deserve one more than me.....I don't know - I am done trying to figure it out....3 more tries on the IUI - then I am done - that will be the end of my journey.

On another note:

I took my dad to the Neurologist today. He believes that it is MS. My father has to go for two follow up tests and then a consultation with an MS Specialist for a 2nd opinion. If these two tests are inconclusive, then he will need to go for a spinal tap - I am praying that the tests are conclusive and he does not need to go through this.

The doctor said that the prognosis of someone diagnosed later in life with MS is good - because it can take several years for the symptoms to progress - had he gotten it in his 30's, he could be in a wheel chair right now.....Since he is 60, he might be 80-90 before it progresses that far - and not to be morbid - but he may not even be around then (My dad's words were...."Well, I hate to break it to you, but men in my family die early" I promptly told him to shut up!)
The MS, if that is what it is, will be managed with injections based upon the specialists recommendations.
The good news is he got the OK to go back to work tomorrow - so that is a good thing. The doctor kept him on the Plavix - just in case it was in fact a stroke.

RE: Joe's Stuff:

Well, Joe has an appointment with his cardiologist tonight and he will get the results of the monitoring - so we shall see what that doctor says.



On a good note: I have a dinner dance to go to on Saturday night - so at least I will be able to drink! And you can bet I am going to have my fill of Italian Red Wine!