Blogger is pissing me off - I already posted a witty and insightful entry about 10 minutes ago - and received a time out error - magic like my last post does not happen twice - oh well, let me try again.....
I took my dad to the Neurologist yesterday...The doc was great (no hands in my face - lucky for him). He told my dad that if the stroke had occurred 1mm to the left he would have been totally paralyzed on his right side - very scary thought.
I have been in "just deal with it" mode this past week - which is really good for getting things done when they need to be - but I don't think it is entirely healthy....yesterday, watching my Dad get checked out - I realized how close we came to losing him - I am not ready for that yet - I am only 31 - I don't think I would be able to handle losing my Dad yet - he has always been so strong for us - even when his life was in a shambles - I love that guy and I don't know what this family would do without him.
Thinking back - I think I have been in "just deal with it" mode for the last almost two years. July 2003 Joe's dad had a massive stroke - so I had to take care of my husband and help out with the legal stuff with Joe's Dad (thankfully, and probably selfishly on our part, Joe's sister and her husband are dealing with the brunt - no that is inaccurate - all of his everyday care). Two months later, I had my miscarriage and operations because they found some precancerous cells during my pregnancy pap, Two months after my miscarriage (and the day before my birthday), my grandmother had a massive stroke and was on life support - we had to deal with the "should we/shouldn't we" family arguments, then after we decided to take out the breathing tube - we had to watch her for another day before she finally let go.
Although Joe and I are good now...we went through some really tough times together after the miscarriage - we basically just shut eachother out - and although we started trying to get pregnant again - we weren't where we should have been emotionally. Thankfully, we have worked things out, talked and are really back on the right track, but it was scary for a while there.
Now with my Dad's stroke - well, I am feeling like the camel's back is going to break soon - I am moving one day at a time and trying to deal with things the right way - I hope I am succeeding...
I am sorry this post seemed so down - because I am not really depressed - I just type that way....I think as I type and whatever comes out comes out!
Chas...I tried to reply to your blog - but damn blogger gave me an error! Sorry.
Hope to talk to everyone soon!
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3 comments:
Jenn, I hope things are looking up for you soon. And I hope your Dad is feeling much better. I know how it is to be close to your Dad. Hopefully the next few weeks will be better for you and you can get out of the "just deal with it mode". I know how that made can start sucking. Take care!
Heather M.
Jenn,
I have never been in the just deal with it mode. Maybe I should try that one some time. I am really good at the avoid all the pain mode. Which never really works because anything that reminds me of the pain leaves me crying trying to calm down and go back to denial mode.
In the past two years I have lost so much, I was born with a big family and we were all really close. (My family has a pretty long life) But these last few years everyone has died. First, one of my Great Grandma's the only one in my family that could deal with me and teach me anything as a child, then I lost Madison, then I put my mom in hospice, then I lost matthew and my other Great Grandmother (who I had become really close to in my adult years) in the same month. A year later I lost my mom and now 4 months later we are on the verge of losing my last great-grandparent. So I kind of know what you mean. Loss is so hard and I am know that you can never be ready for it. Even my mom holding on as long as she did for me when she went I wasn't ready in anyway. It took wasn't until 3 months before my mom died that I came to the realiztion that I am not okay. I think that really has helped me a little. Because so much of the time it is easy to walk around and not deal with anything, so it is important to relize at times that it is okay to not be okay.
I don't really know why I told you all of this. Something in me just felt that you should know.
In mine and J's relationship this hard time hasn't really brought us closer or farther. Losing the babies was really hard for both of us and in all honestly we can barely talk about it. The night before my D&C we got in the biggest fight we have ever had. I didn't even spend the night with him I drove to my dad's house where he picked me up in a few hours later, but other then that he has had a pretty easy few years and I think most the time he doesn't know how to deal with me being so upset when these things happen.
When my mom died, (there is a whole story most people don't know about this day) I came home about 3 am and he had to work in 2 hours I sat on the bed crying. He woke up not knowing what was going on. I don't know why no one had told him. They called him looking for me but didn't tell him why, but when I told him he honestly was the only person that could be there for me. I don't remember what he said, but it was the best thing I had heard, the most comforting.
again I am really sorry this is so long. but one last thing I just wanted to say which I think would suprise some people. Losing my mom was so hard, and is so hard, I am going to go to church in a little bit and I am sure they are going to play a song that we sang or I played for her and I am going to start bawling like a baby; but still even with all that pain it doesn't compare to losing my babies.
Jenna
Hey Chicky,
I know how you feel... I always just post what's on my mind. I don't think about the tone of it. I also worked in the "deal with it" mode for alot of years. With Michael's diagnosis and the demise of my 1st marriage, the miscarraige, etc..sometimes it's the only way to save whats left of your sanity. I think looking back it gives you some prespective to your strength while at the time you don't think you have any. It's what makes us strong women. Definately no shame in that.
Let's catch up soon pea, missing ya.
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