Am I crazy????

I must be fucking insane....seriously fucking insane....have the last two years not taught me anything?????
I am sitting here at work analyzing every little twinge because I want my fucking AF to arrive so I can go for my baseline tomorrow and start my injections tomorrow night. I am fucking looking forward to starting the gonal-f because I am optimistic that it will work.

When I first started the IUI process, I told my husband that I wouldn't get pregnant until the 3rd cycle. Then - because I am an asshole - I did a facade.com "yes/no" prediction thing...my questions:
1. Will I be pregnant this cycle? Answer: No
2. Will I get pregnant next cycle? Answer: No
3. Will I get pregnant my 3rd cycle? Answer: yes


So of course, before even CD1 I have my hopes totally up for this cycle....stupid superstitious bullshit...I know it is....and I am cursing myself that I am getting my hopes up again - Jeez before the cycle even starts......What the hell is wrong with me??? Why am I letting myself do this to myself? I must be a total idiot - seriously. But I can't help it...I have this feeling that it is going to work this month.....please, please, please ladies....set me straight.....I don't want to be all fucked up on day 30 when it doesn't come out positive!!!!

Ok - enough ranting for me....I hope everyone has a nice Memorial Day Weekend!

Why?

Usually I can find a reason behind everything. I have always been the person to say "everythign for a reason" but there is no reason for Jennie losing her baby. This is such shit.

Please pray for Jennie, her family and friends. I cannot even imagine what they are going through right now.

Blood Test today

UPDATE: No surprises here - Big Fat Negative. Then to top it off they tried telling me that I couldn't start injectibles this month because of the timing - I wouldn't be able to get the training in time - the Plainview class was filled for tomorrow and the only other person that could train me was not in until Tuesday! They also said that it may take a few days to get pre-certification for the medication. Well ladies, you know me...I wasn't having it.....So basically, I am going to Rockville Center to get the training and I lit a fire underneath the nurse practitioner's ass to get the pre-cert done!

I will admit though that when I was talking about it with my husband - before I made the appointment for the training on Saturday -- I totally broke down..I hate to say it but this whole process is breaking me down. I am not sure how many cycles I will be able to take this for...if the injectibles don't work - I don't think I will be going forward at all. Injectibles will only get one shot I think - and then I have to be done.

Side note: I am on pins and needles waiting to here from Heather - someone needs some good fucking news!




Well, I went for my blood test today - what a waste of $20 - they should call me by 2pm to tell me to stop the Progesterone because I am shit out of luck again this month.

Really tired - had to stop into work this morning because I couldn't connect to my computer from home last night - see what happens when you take work home - you end up having to come in anyway.

Ally - I am so sorry that bitch showed up.
Lesley - I know you are hurting now, but I am glad that you sought help. I look forward to having you back.
Heather - O MY GOD - that is such wonderful wonderful news - I can't wait to hear how the blood tests go!
Jamie - Hope you are hanging in there - give us an update soon
Jess - I miss you! But your funny entries on your blog crack me up.
Chas - Hope you are doing ok - you haven't updated in a couple of days - thinking about you.
Stacia - I really hope you are doing ok - I am still thinking about you.
Heather M - I know the waiting is definately the worst part - I really hope this is your month
Liz - I hope you are feeling better today and that "hope" has found her way back to your house.
Jenna - I hope your counseling session went ok. Please let us know how you are doing.

I hope Jennie is doing ok - Ally please let her know I am thinking of her.

To everyone else that I have missed - I hope that you all get your BFP's soon - I want off that fucking Board! LOL

Have a good day everyone. I will update later to make the negative official. Bye.

As you will note....

I have taken down my ticker - I should have known it wouldn't work - that is what I fucking get for being optimistic. I took a test this morning - a first response early detection - 2 days before AF is due or 12dpo - BFN - a big fat MOCKING Negative - this fucking sucks. I sat on my bed this morning and looked at my husband - when he looked at me I just shook my head - he knew what I meant - "Nope, failed again! My fucking ovaries just aren't cooperating."

So this is it I think - I will be going on injectibles next cycle and if that doesn't work then I am done, finito, caput - I am done with this roller coaster ride - I will need to accept that another baby just isn't in the cards for us and have to believe that there is some plan behind why Joey can't have a brother or sister.

I am so tired today - I am tired of the letdowns, I am tired of the false hope - I am just tired of this whole process. It is like a slap in the face to have to keep using the suppositories right now when I know there is no reason for it - but I have to continue until my blood test on Thursday - another waste of a $20 copay - I hate this.

I pray that Heather gets some good news with her 3 beans - we need some light on the PW board - it is getting so depressing over there.

OK - I am out - I need to work, unfortunately.

For the Record....

Pregnancy Weekly SUCKS!!!!

Yes, I know there is a ticker

OK - so I am trying to think positive - I put a ticker up - maybe I am jinxing myself - but I have spent over two years telling myself that I wasn't pregnant - so this month I am going to tell myself that I am - maybe if I do everything different this month it will actually happen.

I am sure that I will be back in two weeks to remove the ticker - but I will try anything at this point.

Will you even see this???

Well, I am not sure if anyone will even be able to read this, considering my blog is all SCREWED!

To catch everyone up to date- I have finished my 2nd IUI cycle - I am now in the two week wait - I had one IUI on Thursday and another on Friday - I was a little crampier this cycle than last but I guess that makes up for how well I did on the increased Clomid dose - well mentally anyway - I still only produced one good follicle with the 100mg.

If this dose doesn't work than it is on to the injectibles for our final (or at least that is what I am saying right now)IUI cycle. I won't be moving on to IVF - it is just too expensive without a guarantee that it will work - I haven't inquired -but I am pretty sure that Vytra won't cover IVF- most insurances don't. It is a scary thought to think that I may be giving up this quest in another month - I am just praying that it works so I don't have to go through giving this up - I know it will be hard to accept but two and a half years, one miscarriage and 3 IUI's - I think it is time for me to throw in the towel. If I did not have Joey, I am sure I would feel different - but I have had the experience - I know what it is like to look into the eyes of my child - so I think if a 2nd baby is not in the cards for me - well then I will be ok - my son continues to amaze me every day - he is an incredible kid - I got so lucky!

Speaking of Joey - he is in the "why" phase now - which is driving me CRAZY - a simple question can last 15 minutes because everything is "but why?" I knew this stage was coming - and I was dreading it - it is as bad as I thought it would be!

He is also really starting to test the boundaries - he has thrown 3 temper tantrums in the last 3 weeks - which is NOT like my son - I had to take him out of McDonalds and out of circle time at Mommy and Me because of it - totally out of character for him - and I hope he gets it out of his system REAL quick - because it doesn't work at getting him what he wants!

I have to go to a shower for a 17 year old tomorrow -- any idea why I can't muster up the enthusiasm (sp?) for this party?

I saw my friend last night - we had dinner - she is also trying to get pg - has been working on it for about 10 months now - I think I am going to give her my monitor - I am not using it. She is awesome - so funny - I worked with her about 7 years ago in a pizzeria - we went a few years with only talking once in a while and then about 5 months ago we decided to make a point of meeting for dinner at least once a month - and we have been sticking to it - we missed April because it was really crazy - but we have been good. I think it is important to work on the few friendships I do have.

I hope everyone is doing well, it seems as if everyone has been pretty quiet lately.

Lesley - I know it seems frustrating for you but I am keeping the faith for you.
Ally - You better be pg this month - I hope your trip to San Antonio went ok.
Jess - Glad to have you back TTC! Good luck!
Chas - I was going to respond to your blog - but I am still thinking my advice over since it is such a delicate situation.
Jamie - It sounds like you are having a rough time - you are almost done re-setting and I can't wait to hear about how well the BCP worked for you!
Heather - Good luck with the transfer on Sunday - I will be thinking about you and praying for you!
Jenna - I know it is hard when it feels like noone remembers or understands about m/c - and unless they have experienced it they don't - try to stay positive - I'm thinking about you.
Heather M - Have you thought about going to Classmates.com to see about getting in touch with that friend? I didn't go to my 10 year - not enough time passed as far as I was concerned.


For Everyone else I am forgetting - I hope you all have a great day - good luck with the 2WW or the Ovulation Wait or the Baby dancing or the Cyst skrinage - whatever the case -

The party was fabulous

Well, the party was really fantastic! Samantha looked beautiful and everyone had a great time - her candle ceremony was really great and she wrote a lot of wonderful speeches for everyone - she is really talented that one - in so many things - she is becoming such a gorgeous young woman and I am so proud of her!

My mother's day was uneventful - we went to lunch at OKIE DOKIES and then visited with my mom. We had bar-b-que at my sis-in-laws house. Joe pre-ordered Star Wars tickets for me - we are going on Saturday the 21st!
I know that doesn't sound like a big deal - but it is a nice gesture considering he has absolutely no desire to see the movie! We will probably go to dinner before hand - my brother will watch the little man.

Last night I had to take my niece and nephew to their concert - I am sorry - but there is nothing worse then sitting through a 6th grade concert!! Their band played really well though - but the orchestra band sounded like Cats in Heat! It was terrible - and I know I am a terrible person for saying so!

ON the TTC front - I am on CD12 - yesterday my lining was thin and my doc was talking about possibly having to skip this cycle and go on a different medication next month - well, thankfully, I went back this morning and my lining is triple A, measuring at 7 - so we will be able to do IUI this cycle!

The doc will call with my blood results - if my blood shows a surge than IUI will be tomorrow - if no surge then I will get the shot tomorrow morning and IUI on Thursday - God I hope it works this cycle - I am getting so anxious to be pregnant!

OK - well I think that is all for the update! Have a good day!

CD 8

Well, it is cycle day 8 - took my last Clomid dose last night - I have to say - symptoms this month aren't as bad as last month - I am not as tired (maybe b/c of the prenatals I have been taking), I only had 2 hot flashes so far and my mood has been pretty even (which DH is SOOO thankful about).

I have a busy weekend planned so I probably won't be online too often. Tomorrow is my niece's sweet 16...for those of you that didn't see it back in February...here is her dress:




(Sammy is way cuter though!)

Anyway, after work today I will be going to my sister's house and helping with last minute details - then I have to go buy something for myself to wear (yes, I have something I can wear - but I want something new!)

Tomorrow at 12:30 we meet at the hall to decorate - my husband has to pick up the food at 6 and then the party starts at 7.

Sunday is mother's day - I don't know what DH has planned - but I am sure I will be busy.

My husband still didn't get his results - he was supposed to go yesterday - but he called and re-scheduled for MOnday because he was in the middle of 3 different jobs and he didn't want to leave - because you know, a heart problem isn't a serious thing at all - done arguing about it!

So that is that - I hope everyone is doing well and I hope to talk to you all soon!

CD 3

Went to doc this morning for initial cycle bloodwork and base line U/S.

Turns out....they are doubling my clomid - started 100mg a night - my husband is screwed - does this mean I will be a Double Bitch? I might get pregnant after all this - but I may also get divorced.

That's pretty much it - the cycle begins again.....stay tuned