Am I crazy????

I must be fucking insane....seriously fucking insane....have the last two years not taught me anything?????
I am sitting here at work analyzing every little twinge because I want my fucking AF to arrive so I can go for my baseline tomorrow and start my injections tomorrow night. I am fucking looking forward to starting the gonal-f because I am optimistic that it will work.

When I first started the IUI process, I told my husband that I wouldn't get pregnant until the 3rd cycle. Then - because I am an asshole - I did a facade.com "yes/no" prediction thing...my questions:
1. Will I be pregnant this cycle? Answer: No
2. Will I get pregnant next cycle? Answer: No
3. Will I get pregnant my 3rd cycle? Answer: yes


So of course, before even CD1 I have my hopes totally up for this cycle....stupid superstitious bullshit...I know it is....and I am cursing myself that I am getting my hopes up again - Jeez before the cycle even starts......What the hell is wrong with me??? Why am I letting myself do this to myself? I must be a total idiot - seriously. But I can't help it...I have this feeling that it is going to work this month.....please, please, please ladies....set me straight.....I don't want to be all fucked up on day 30 when it doesn't come out positive!!!!

Ok - enough ranting for me....I hope everyone has a nice Memorial Day Weekend!

Why?

Usually I can find a reason behind everything. I have always been the person to say "everythign for a reason" but there is no reason for Jennie losing her baby. This is such shit.

Please pray for Jennie, her family and friends. I cannot even imagine what they are going through right now.

Blood Test today

UPDATE: No surprises here - Big Fat Negative. Then to top it off they tried telling me that I couldn't start injectibles this month because of the timing - I wouldn't be able to get the training in time - the Plainview class was filled for tomorrow and the only other person that could train me was not in until Tuesday! They also said that it may take a few days to get pre-certification for the medication. Well ladies, you know me...I wasn't having it.....So basically, I am going to Rockville Center to get the training and I lit a fire underneath the nurse practitioner's ass to get the pre-cert done!

I will admit though that when I was talking about it with my husband - before I made the appointment for the training on Saturday -- I totally broke down..I hate to say it but this whole process is breaking me down. I am not sure how many cycles I will be able to take this for...if the injectibles don't work - I don't think I will be going forward at all. Injectibles will only get one shot I think - and then I have to be done.

Side note: I am on pins and needles waiting to here from Heather - someone needs some good fucking news!




Well, I went for my blood test today - what a waste of $20 - they should call me by 2pm to tell me to stop the Progesterone because I am shit out of luck again this month.

Really tired - had to stop into work this morning because I couldn't connect to my computer from home last night - see what happens when you take work home - you end up having to come in anyway.

Ally - I am so sorry that bitch showed up.
Lesley - I know you are hurting now, but I am glad that you sought help. I look forward to having you back.
Heather - O MY GOD - that is such wonderful wonderful news - I can't wait to hear how the blood tests go!
Jamie - Hope you are hanging in there - give us an update soon
Jess - I miss you! But your funny entries on your blog crack me up.
Chas - Hope you are doing ok - you haven't updated in a couple of days - thinking about you.
Stacia - I really hope you are doing ok - I am still thinking about you.
Heather M - I know the waiting is definately the worst part - I really hope this is your month
Liz - I hope you are feeling better today and that "hope" has found her way back to your house.
Jenna - I hope your counseling session went ok. Please let us know how you are doing.

I hope Jennie is doing ok - Ally please let her know I am thinking of her.

To everyone else that I have missed - I hope that you all get your BFP's soon - I want off that fucking Board! LOL

Have a good day everyone. I will update later to make the negative official. Bye.

As you will note....

I have taken down my ticker - I should have known it wouldn't work - that is what I fucking get for being optimistic. I took a test this morning - a first response early detection - 2 days before AF is due or 12dpo - BFN - a big fat MOCKING Negative - this fucking sucks. I sat on my bed this morning and looked at my husband - when he looked at me I just shook my head - he knew what I meant - "Nope, failed again! My fucking ovaries just aren't cooperating."

So this is it I think - I will be going on injectibles next cycle and if that doesn't work then I am done, finito, caput - I am done with this roller coaster ride - I will need to accept that another baby just isn't in the cards for us and have to believe that there is some plan behind why Joey can't have a brother or sister.

I am so tired today - I am tired of the letdowns, I am tired of the false hope - I am just tired of this whole process. It is like a slap in the face to have to keep using the suppositories right now when I know there is no reason for it - but I have to continue until my blood test on Thursday - another waste of a $20 copay - I hate this.

I pray that Heather gets some good news with her 3 beans - we need some light on the PW board - it is getting so depressing over there.

OK - I am out - I need to work, unfortunately.

For the Record....

Pregnancy Weekly SUCKS!!!!

Yes, I know there is a ticker

OK - so I am trying to think positive - I put a ticker up - maybe I am jinxing myself - but I have spent over two years telling myself that I wasn't pregnant - so this month I am going to tell myself that I am - maybe if I do everything different this month it will actually happen.

I am sure that I will be back in two weeks to remove the ticker - but I will try anything at this point.

Will you even see this???

Well, I am not sure if anyone will even be able to read this, considering my blog is all SCREWED!

To catch everyone up to date- I have finished my 2nd IUI cycle - I am now in the two week wait - I had one IUI on Thursday and another on Friday - I was a little crampier this cycle than last but I guess that makes up for how well I did on the increased Clomid dose - well mentally anyway - I still only produced one good follicle with the 100mg.

If this dose doesn't work than it is on to the injectibles for our final (or at least that is what I am saying right now)IUI cycle. I won't be moving on to IVF - it is just too expensive without a guarantee that it will work - I haven't inquired -but I am pretty sure that Vytra won't cover IVF- most insurances don't. It is a scary thought to think that I may be giving up this quest in another month - I am just praying that it works so I don't have to go through giving this up - I know it will be hard to accept but two and a half years, one miscarriage and 3 IUI's - I think it is time for me to throw in the towel. If I did not have Joey, I am sure I would feel different - but I have had the experience - I know what it is like to look into the eyes of my child - so I think if a 2nd baby is not in the cards for me - well then I will be ok - my son continues to amaze me every day - he is an incredible kid - I got so lucky!

Speaking of Joey - he is in the "why" phase now - which is driving me CRAZY - a simple question can last 15 minutes because everything is "but why?" I knew this stage was coming - and I was dreading it - it is as bad as I thought it would be!

He is also really starting to test the boundaries - he has thrown 3 temper tantrums in the last 3 weeks - which is NOT like my son - I had to take him out of McDonalds and out of circle time at Mommy and Me because of it - totally out of character for him - and I hope he gets it out of his system REAL quick - because it doesn't work at getting him what he wants!

I have to go to a shower for a 17 year old tomorrow -- any idea why I can't muster up the enthusiasm (sp?) for this party?

I saw my friend last night - we had dinner - she is also trying to get pg - has been working on it for about 10 months now - I think I am going to give her my monitor - I am not using it. She is awesome - so funny - I worked with her about 7 years ago in a pizzeria - we went a few years with only talking once in a while and then about 5 months ago we decided to make a point of meeting for dinner at least once a month - and we have been sticking to it - we missed April because it was really crazy - but we have been good. I think it is important to work on the few friendships I do have.

I hope everyone is doing well, it seems as if everyone has been pretty quiet lately.

Lesley - I know it seems frustrating for you but I am keeping the faith for you.
Ally - You better be pg this month - I hope your trip to San Antonio went ok.
Jess - Glad to have you back TTC! Good luck!
Chas - I was going to respond to your blog - but I am still thinking my advice over since it is such a delicate situation.
Jamie - It sounds like you are having a rough time - you are almost done re-setting and I can't wait to hear about how well the BCP worked for you!
Heather - Good luck with the transfer on Sunday - I will be thinking about you and praying for you!
Jenna - I know it is hard when it feels like noone remembers or understands about m/c - and unless they have experienced it they don't - try to stay positive - I'm thinking about you.
Heather M - Have you thought about going to Classmates.com to see about getting in touch with that friend? I didn't go to my 10 year - not enough time passed as far as I was concerned.


For Everyone else I am forgetting - I hope you all have a great day - good luck with the 2WW or the Ovulation Wait or the Baby dancing or the Cyst skrinage - whatever the case -

The party was fabulous

Well, the party was really fantastic! Samantha looked beautiful and everyone had a great time - her candle ceremony was really great and she wrote a lot of wonderful speeches for everyone - she is really talented that one - in so many things - she is becoming such a gorgeous young woman and I am so proud of her!

My mother's day was uneventful - we went to lunch at OKIE DOKIES and then visited with my mom. We had bar-b-que at my sis-in-laws house. Joe pre-ordered Star Wars tickets for me - we are going on Saturday the 21st!
I know that doesn't sound like a big deal - but it is a nice gesture considering he has absolutely no desire to see the movie! We will probably go to dinner before hand - my brother will watch the little man.

Last night I had to take my niece and nephew to their concert - I am sorry - but there is nothing worse then sitting through a 6th grade concert!! Their band played really well though - but the orchestra band sounded like Cats in Heat! It was terrible - and I know I am a terrible person for saying so!

ON the TTC front - I am on CD12 - yesterday my lining was thin and my doc was talking about possibly having to skip this cycle and go on a different medication next month - well, thankfully, I went back this morning and my lining is triple A, measuring at 7 - so we will be able to do IUI this cycle!

The doc will call with my blood results - if my blood shows a surge than IUI will be tomorrow - if no surge then I will get the shot tomorrow morning and IUI on Thursday - God I hope it works this cycle - I am getting so anxious to be pregnant!

OK - well I think that is all for the update! Have a good day!

CD 8

Well, it is cycle day 8 - took my last Clomid dose last night - I have to say - symptoms this month aren't as bad as last month - I am not as tired (maybe b/c of the prenatals I have been taking), I only had 2 hot flashes so far and my mood has been pretty even (which DH is SOOO thankful about).

I have a busy weekend planned so I probably won't be online too often. Tomorrow is my niece's sweet 16...for those of you that didn't see it back in February...here is her dress:




(Sammy is way cuter though!)

Anyway, after work today I will be going to my sister's house and helping with last minute details - then I have to go buy something for myself to wear (yes, I have something I can wear - but I want something new!)

Tomorrow at 12:30 we meet at the hall to decorate - my husband has to pick up the food at 6 and then the party starts at 7.

Sunday is mother's day - I don't know what DH has planned - but I am sure I will be busy.

My husband still didn't get his results - he was supposed to go yesterday - but he called and re-scheduled for MOnday because he was in the middle of 3 different jobs and he didn't want to leave - because you know, a heart problem isn't a serious thing at all - done arguing about it!

So that is that - I hope everyone is doing well and I hope to talk to you all soon!

CD 3

Went to doc this morning for initial cycle bloodwork and base line U/S.

Turns out....they are doubling my clomid - started 100mg a night - my husband is screwed - does this mean I will be a Double Bitch? I might get pregnant after all this - but I may also get divorced.

That's pretty much it - the cycle begins again.....stay tuned

CD 1

Well, AF arrived this afternoon at work - of course it was 15 minutes after my doctor's office closed. I will need to go to Plainview on Sunday for a baseline U/S and blood work - don't really like the Plainview Office - but oh well.

OK - Ally you are our last hope!

King Joseph 2 

King Joseph 

This Uterus is Bare

WELL, just as I knew it would be - I got a call from the nurse this afternoon - Negative. I was with my father when I got the call so I couldn't get upset - Dad isn't really aware of all that I am going through right now trying to get pregnant - and honestly - he has other things to worry about.

I have to discontinue the progesterone and then go back to the doctor on Cycle Day 3 for a base line and to start Clomid and this whole stupid cycle all over again.

Am I discouraged? Abso-fucking-lutely! This is totally out of control - how come my mother could have 7 - count them 7 - kids and I can only get pregnant with one????? Why can teenage sluts have baby after baby that they don't take care of and my son can't have a brother or sister?

Why can some women get pregnant when their underwear touch their husbands in the wash and I have to have my husband Jerk Off in a Cup and have some lady inject into me .....and I still can't get fucking pregnant!!!! What the fuck is going on here??? Am I trying to hard?? It seems that I got pregnant so much easier when I didn't have all this information. All I did was chart BBT - had sex the Morning that I saw the Spike (yes the day of the spike - not the day before or two days before - but the day OF the Spike - and all websites clearly indicate that once your temps go up - it is often too late to get pregnant - well, not in my fucking case!!!) Took me 3 months with Joey and 2 months with my second - Now with all this info - nothing for over a fucking year! This is such bullshit - it really is!

Ally, Lesley, Jaime, Jess, Chastity, Heather, Jenna, ALL of the Women on PW - where the hell are our BFP's????? All of these women deserve to hold beautiful babies in their arms - where is the fucking justice - what could possibly be the plan?????????????????????????????


OK - enough of figuring out the plan....I understand that maybe I am not meant to know what the plan is....only that there is one.....I will need to be content with that.....I will need to learn and accept that maybe I will not have another child - for whatever reason that may be - maybe my son needs my full attention, maybe God knows that two kids would be too much pressure on me and I would not be able to handle it.....maybe other people deserve one more than me.....I don't know - I am done trying to figure it out....3 more tries on the IUI - then I am done - that will be the end of my journey.

On another note:

I took my dad to the Neurologist today. He believes that it is MS. My father has to go for two follow up tests and then a consultation with an MS Specialist for a 2nd opinion. If these two tests are inconclusive, then he will need to go for a spinal tap - I am praying that the tests are conclusive and he does not need to go through this.

The doctor said that the prognosis of someone diagnosed later in life with MS is good - because it can take several years for the symptoms to progress - had he gotten it in his 30's, he could be in a wheel chair right now.....Since he is 60, he might be 80-90 before it progresses that far - and not to be morbid - but he may not even be around then (My dad's words were...."Well, I hate to break it to you, but men in my family die early" I promptly told him to shut up!)
The MS, if that is what it is, will be managed with injections based upon the specialists recommendations.
The good news is he got the OK to go back to work tomorrow - so that is a good thing. The doctor kept him on the Plavix - just in case it was in fact a stroke.

RE: Joe's Stuff:

Well, Joe has an appointment with his cardiologist tonight and he will get the results of the monitoring - so we shall see what that doctor says.



On a good note: I have a dinner dance to go to on Saturday night - so at least I will be able to drink! And you can bet I am going to have my fill of Italian Red Wine!

What little hope I had.......

Is slowly seeping away....I am getting cramps.....that's all folks!!

The worst blogger

I have to be the worst blogger in the world - days and days go by with no update for me.

Well.....I took two tests - I took one yesterday afternoon - BFN and one this morning - BFN.

I am due for AF on Wednesday - but it will be prolonged because of the progesterone - I will be going for a blood test on Wednesday - which will be a big fat waste of $20. I don't know why I am even bothering - I must be a glutton for punishment - like I want to hear her say - nope sorry - negative - Jeez! I can't even get a false positive.

I know I said I wasn't expecting it to happen in the first round - it so rarely does - but part of me is like "Holy Shit - they put 5million good sperm in my uterus - and not one freakin' tadpole could find it's way - what the fuck is the point - why the hell am I putting myself through this?" This past month I have been poked and prodded - 20 viles of blood have been taken from me, I downed Clomid pills, I had sonograms, I am currently shoving progesterone suppositories up me (real fun) - I have been wearing a pad for a week and I don't even have AF yet! Maybe it just isn't going to happen for me - maybe I should just give all this shit up- count my blessings and move the fuck on!

OK OK I know - pessimism does not become me - I am the silver lining chick - the "your baby isn't done cooking" chick - so I promise to get over this quick.

I went to the Yankee game - I left in the 7th inning - they were beating Texa 8 - 1, that is much better than yesterday's embarrassment!!! Come on guys - get it together! That is the thing with the Yankees - they aren't happy unless they are ripping your guts out!

We took my two nieces - they seemed to have a good time and I navigated the subways pretty good. All in all it was a nice day.

Neurologist Appointment for Dad on Wednesday - discussion about MS - not looking forward to it.

My husband gets results of heart monitoring on Wednesday too - I hope all is well.

So many things set up for Wednesday - I pray it is not a day of bad news - not sure how much more this back can take.

My brother (in the Army) can't come to my niece's party next Saturday - he was picked for a mission that he is not allowed to talk to us about b/c it is classified - OK so now I am not worried! He says it isn't dangerous but he lies.

OK - I think that is it because this was a dreary downer post - Sorry - I finally update and it is this bullshit.

I hope everyone is doing ok. Bye.

Progesterone.....LLLOOOOWWWW

Well, got the results of the Progesterone - Low 8.22 - it should be around 15-20 by now. It is 9:16pm and I am waiting for the pharmacy to get here to give me my progesterone suppositories.....GROSS!

That's it...not much else...just bummed.

Quick one - I am at work!

Just a quick update- sorry I am so lax about updating and commenting - I am really bad at that!

OK so I am on cd 22 - 7dpo, 6dpIUI, one day till progesterone check (thank you Ally for info), 8 days until pregnancy test. I hate admitting it....I am starting to get so optimistic. I play this game with my husband...I tell him "Right now, if you had to say yes or no which would it be? Am i pregnant or not?"

Of course, he says "Yes" - because really - why would he tell me no? He says it is because my boobs are gigantic (mind you - they are always gigantic - they are double dandies!) . SO I smile, and tell him - it is b/c of the Clomid.

I have absolutely no symptoms of anything yet. I am tired - but I have been running ragged for the past two weeks - so it isn't pg tired (unfortunately).

My sister in law had her baby a month early - a little baby girl 5 lbs 6 oz - She let me be in the room for a while (until it got really hairy). It was such an honor. Although I admit that I secretly thanked God that Joey was breached and I didn't need to experience those pains!! (I am such a wuss!)

My husband has an appointment with the cardiologist on Thursday - he has a non-specific abnormality in his EKG - seriously - Can we pile ANY more shit on me!! Well, I am just glad he is getting looked at - We were at the Hospital from 8pm Friday night until 6AM Saturday morning - then I went straight to work! THEN I went to the Hospital at Noon for my sister in law - I did not get home until 11:00pm Saturday night!!! I was up from 6am Friday until 12am Sunday - 42 freakin hours straight!!! I got maybe 45 minutes sleep in the hospital - but that was it! I spent all day SUnday in bed! I am still tired.

Isn't it weird that you don't get enough sleep - you are tired for days. If you sleep extra one day, the energy only lasts that day!! You can't bank sleep - strange.

Very tired of the drama at PW - we were doing really well there for a while - I guess every few months a little crap needs to get started to weed out the assholes and make everyone closer who is there. We are accused of being a clique - but (I think Jaime may have said it) - so what??? It certainly isn't a group that any one of us wanted to be a part of - the OVER A YEAR group - it sucks balls - big time.

Are we sensitive? You bet we are! I don't give a shit about it either! I find it odd though that our board NEVER goes to other boards to start trouble - I mean EVER - but people find that it is all right to start garbage on ours - well - whatever - drama over - thank goodness. We tend to get wrapped up in the negative when it is going on - but the truth is - 99.9% of the ladies on that board are ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC - they help when they can - and if they can't - they keep their mouths shut or just say a "sorry I don't have info - but I am thinking of you!". We all understand that being at that site isn't our end-all - really there are only about 5-7 new posts per day - but I LOVE that - I could never keep up with the other board.

I guess it is sad - because we know all the questions and answers so they don't fill up the board every day - but that is what we wanted.

I am saying to all who read this and everyone on PW - You are wonderful women and I pray that someday soon we can all get the HELL off that site!!!

Well, I guess it was longer than I expected!

IUI and DD (no - not Dunkin' Donuts)

Well, I had my IUI yesterday. The longest part was waiting for them to spin the swimmers out of control. When all was said and done they injected 5 MILLION tadpoles into my uterus.....maybe I am off the wall here - but when you think that there are 5 MILLION sperm swimming inside you....it kind of grosses me out...

Also, I have a question for anyone with an answer.....where do the other 4,999,999 sperm go after one fertilizes the egg???

The IUI itself wasn't too bad...I had some cramping when she put the cathetar into my cervix that lasted about 1/2 hour afterwards but it was not bad at all - the anticipation is definately worse than the reality!

So I go next Wednesday for a Progesterone blood draw and the following Wednesday for a Blood pregnancy test - 13 more days to go until I know either way! I have a busy few weeks so hopefully the waiting won't be that bad.

Monday night I am going to some Psychic guy who is supposed to talk to dead people - ok - I know it is hokey - but you never can tell - I went once before and my boss' husband was read - it was kind of weird - I am giving my Grandparents and Joe's mom one more chance to come through- if not - then obviously they have nothing of importance to say to me (or the guy is a complete and utter sham) and I will save my money.

Wednesday 20th - Progesterone Draw

Thursday 21st - Mommy and Me

Sunday the 24th - Yankee Game (against Texas - Sorry We need to kick your butt Ally!)

Then 27th is the Test.

I also have to bring my dad to the Neurologist on the 27th - Oh and did I tell you.....My dad got hit by his truck last week....Jeez - this guy can't catch a freakin' break.

He put the truck in park, got out, went around to the back, looked under it for some reason, stood back up and then it started rolling backwards towards him - he jumped back , fell on the ground, hit is head and hurt his back. He spent another afternoon in the hospital - had to get a cat scan - I guess he won't be happy until he totally obliterates his brain!!! What a handfull that man - lol.

On another Note..........I went to the Duran Duran Concert at that Garden last night - I was AWESOME! We got stuck for about 45 minutes on the train so we couldn't go to a restaurant for dinner, we just hit some sandwich place - but it saved us money - so of course, I bought a T-shirt because I am such a nerd.

The guys sounded so good live - which was a relief - I have always wanted to see them live and I would have been pissed if they sounded like shit.. Alot of bands sound good on vinyl (ok - I am soooo dating myself - but I don't know what CD's are made from) and then live they sound like complete shit - makes you realize alot of bands are purely studio creations. But they sounded so good!

They have a song on their new CD about Bedroom Toys - when they played it someone through a blow up doll on stage - it was funny.

Then when the lead singer was finished introducing the band, he asked someone from the audience to introduce him - and of course the one person out of 20,000 fucking people that doesn't know his name - introduced him as someone else - He was like "Ok, maybe someone else" Too funny.

We also had these WACKOS sitting near us. There was one couple directly to our left - OH MY GOD>>>>They were wacking out like dancing with all these hand gestures and acting out the songs - it was terrible.

THEN....there was this couple - ONe was really big and flamboyent dancing all over the place like he was totally wacked out on Crack and his girlfriend - ok picture this - she had long ratty hair and she had the sides up with one of those butterfly clips - she was wearing 80's style tight light stone washed stretch denim jeans with one of those BIG black Leahther belts with the really Big buckle (again - check out VH1's Awesome 80's if you don't know what I am talking about), a too too small tank top and a black vest - her Gut was totally hanging over her pants (it was actually really gross) and she was just flipping out gyrating and humping the guy next to her - My husband looked at me and said "EVERY FUCKING TIME" lol.

Thankfully the other people around us were normal.

Husband isn't really a fan - he came along to be my Midnight train bodyguard - but he said he really enjoyed it - he was actually moving a little to the music - which is BIG for my husband - So serious.

Well, that is it - I am jumping in the shower now because I am off to Mommy and Me with the boy! I will talk to everyone later.

I got the shot!

OK - so I had an 18mm follicle on the left!!! Woo Hoo - I got the shot today and tomorrow am I go in for IUI - Here comes Dixie Joey!!

They give you the shot in the stomach - ouch! Actually, it doesn't hurt going in - good thing I have all that excess fat! Afterwards though - it feels really sore!

So IUI in the AM, go home maybe take a nap and then DURAN DURAN at 8pm Baby! I can't wait - I am so psyched!!!!

Well, that's my update - I will let you know how it goes tomorrow!


Update:

My doc's office just called - they said that my blood work did in fact show a surge so we are definately on for tomorrow at 8am. I also asked her to clarify what the doc said about my endometrium lining (remember it was thin before) - and she said that my lining was Triple A - which means it is nice and fat for implantation!

Note to self: Stop getting excited Jenn - just stop it right this minute!

Note to Ally: Good luck today girlie - I am thinking about you.

Note to Lesley: Damn it - we need to talk - I'm sorry I had every intention of getting back online last night but then I conked out!!!!

Note to Everyone: I miss you guys - Sorry it took me so long to comment on your blogs !