Today, even though I had a conversation about trying to conceive with Jenna, even though I tried (and hopefully succeeded) in trying to cheer Allie up from the ttc blues, even though I was on the phone with my insurance company for an hour determining whether I need a referral for the HSG (I don't) and the Semen Analysis (I do) - I just realized that right at this moment I am not thinking about babies.
This is a big step for me - as I feel like I am slowly becoming obsessed with trying to get pregnant again. I am surfing the net for things that are NOT related with trying to conceive - I am playing with my son, I baked cookies and made dinner for my family - the family that I have - not the family that I fantasize about. I realize that I am getting tired of this - I am getting tired of another child consuming my every move - it is the first thing I must think about in the morning since I have to take my temperature - it is the last thing I think about at night because I have to make sure the thermometer is by my bed.
I am tired of this - I am tired of the testing - I am tired of peeing on sticks and licking microscopes. I am tired of the two weeks of hell after I ovulate. I am tired of telling my husband that we "have" to do it tonight. I am finally being proactive and getting the HSG done and going on the Clomid and all I feel right now is ambivalence. I know testing is the right thing to do but it seems like once I start the testing then I will be even more stressed than before because with each new step you take that is one less option you have if it doesn't work - is that a horribly pessimistic thing to say? I am on cycle day 3 so I am sure I have some left-over PMS that is at work here but I am so ready to cancel the appointment on Wednesday and just say "fuck it"!
I am worried about what the sperm analysis will say - if something is wrong how will my husband feel? Will he feel like less of a man? Will I be angry if something is up with him? Will he be angry with me if I have a problem? All of the "what ifs" have driven me to the point where I don't care anymore and I hate feeling that way. I hate that trying to get pregnant isn't this exciting wonderful time that it should be. I am becoming resentful of every pregnant woman I see and I hate that as well - why should I begrudge another woman having a baby because I can't?
Well, it is time for me to shut down this computer - Joey wants to play with his globe and I want to play with him! I am tired and I have to be up early for work tomorrow unfortunately. I have to make sure I am on time because we are supposed to be getting a huge snow storm tomorrow so I may have to leave early.
It is 8:30 here which means it is 7:30 by Ally and around noon by Lesley - I was hoping I would catch you guys online - sorry I missed you. I will talk to you all tomorrow.
Bye
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2 comments:
As you know Jenn, I feel the exact same way. I keep hitting roadblocks and I try to be positive and go on to the next thing. What if's are always on my mind and I hate that. I just wish I knew what my future would hold. If I am not destined to have another child, then so be it. At least I could relax, accept it, and move on. If only we had the option of knowing.
I didn't post a blog today as you know...I'm just too bummed out by the whole process. I resent the people asking questions on PW. I realize I have to back away and just regroup. I hope I can...maybe the three of us can do it together.
Sorry I didn't see you or Les online tonight, we were painting craft projects (trying to get my mnd of things). Have a good day at work and I'll talk to you later.
Love Ally (YMST)
Jenn,
It is really good you are able to think about other things. It is so hard... I am already obsessed. It is so hard not to be after having something (or being so close to having it) and losing it. I have tried to say fuck it and stop carring so many times. But I just can't I want a baby so bad.
Testing seems really scary. I haven't gotten that far even though I probably should but it is hard to bring yourself to that point. Good luck you are in my thoughts.
Jenna
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