It is 11:14 pm

Ok so my must see TV just ended - thank goodness the hippy was fired tonight on the Apprentice - I can't stand all of that Kumbaya crap! ER was really good, but a little boy died and it was another hard to watch episode.

I am on cd 15 right now (cd16 in about 45 minutes). There were still 2 bars on the monitor this morning and now fern patterns. I was wondering if I might o early this month - with the test and everything - actually I have been having this daydream that I O early and by the time I go to the doctors office I am 9-10dpo. I go to the Doctor's offic on Valentine's Day and find out that I am pregnant. In my daydream, I keep the news a secret until the next day when it is Joe's birthday. I tell him by gift-wrapping the hpt.

I know, I know - total day dream but sometimes that is what I do to get my head out of the depressing realty of this ttc garbage.

We have our new board on PW and while I am very happy that I won't have to hear some crap about relaxing and taking Geritol (fucking Geritol!). But there is a very strong part of me that is so sad that this board has to exist. I have been trying for 2 years - and I am one of the newbies - so many women have been trying even longer than me - I am so scared that this is going to go on for years - what will I do then? If I get pregnant this month Joey will be about to turn 4 when I give birth - my big plan of having all of my kids two years apart have been completely blown to hell. In my little plan for my life, I should be working on my 3rd child right now - not my second.

In my little plan of life every month when I get the god damn evil witch I wouldn't have been thinking about the baby I lost. I know there was nothing I could do to save that baby - but every month that I am not pregnant I start to think - "What could I have done?"

I guess nothing goes according to someone's little plan of life (as is clearly indicated by all of the women I have been talking to).

I am tough and I won't give up - but I am getting tired, so tired of this seemingly never-ending uphill battle.

Well, I hope someone on that board gets the BFP this month - we need good news for someone other than the "first month trying" twits that we had to listen to on the other board (fucking Geritol).

Ally - I hope you feel better!
Lesley - Have a great day today!
Jenna - You better have studied!
Jaime - You are awesome girl! Thanks for your persistance on the Board!
Jen - Don't make that frame!!! Screw That!
Jess - Hope your doctor appointment went ok!


Talk to everyone soon!