For the Record....

Pregnancy Weekly SUCKS!!!!

Yes, I know there is a ticker

OK - so I am trying to think positive - I put a ticker up - maybe I am jinxing myself - but I have spent over two years telling myself that I wasn't pregnant - so this month I am going to tell myself that I am - maybe if I do everything different this month it will actually happen.

I am sure that I will be back in two weeks to remove the ticker - but I will try anything at this point.

Will you even see this???

Well, I am not sure if anyone will even be able to read this, considering my blog is all SCREWED!

To catch everyone up to date- I have finished my 2nd IUI cycle - I am now in the two week wait - I had one IUI on Thursday and another on Friday - I was a little crampier this cycle than last but I guess that makes up for how well I did on the increased Clomid dose - well mentally anyway - I still only produced one good follicle with the 100mg.

If this dose doesn't work than it is on to the injectibles for our final (or at least that is what I am saying right now)IUI cycle. I won't be moving on to IVF - it is just too expensive without a guarantee that it will work - I haven't inquired -but I am pretty sure that Vytra won't cover IVF- most insurances don't. It is a scary thought to think that I may be giving up this quest in another month - I am just praying that it works so I don't have to go through giving this up - I know it will be hard to accept but two and a half years, one miscarriage and 3 IUI's - I think it is time for me to throw in the towel. If I did not have Joey, I am sure I would feel different - but I have had the experience - I know what it is like to look into the eyes of my child - so I think if a 2nd baby is not in the cards for me - well then I will be ok - my son continues to amaze me every day - he is an incredible kid - I got so lucky!

Speaking of Joey - he is in the "why" phase now - which is driving me CRAZY - a simple question can last 15 minutes because everything is "but why?" I knew this stage was coming - and I was dreading it - it is as bad as I thought it would be!

He is also really starting to test the boundaries - he has thrown 3 temper tantrums in the last 3 weeks - which is NOT like my son - I had to take him out of McDonalds and out of circle time at Mommy and Me because of it - totally out of character for him - and I hope he gets it out of his system REAL quick - because it doesn't work at getting him what he wants!

I have to go to a shower for a 17 year old tomorrow -- any idea why I can't muster up the enthusiasm (sp?) for this party?

I saw my friend last night - we had dinner - she is also trying to get pg - has been working on it for about 10 months now - I think I am going to give her my monitor - I am not using it. She is awesome - so funny - I worked with her about 7 years ago in a pizzeria - we went a few years with only talking once in a while and then about 5 months ago we decided to make a point of meeting for dinner at least once a month - and we have been sticking to it - we missed April because it was really crazy - but we have been good. I think it is important to work on the few friendships I do have.

I hope everyone is doing well, it seems as if everyone has been pretty quiet lately.

Lesley - I know it seems frustrating for you but I am keeping the faith for you.
Ally - You better be pg this month - I hope your trip to San Antonio went ok.
Jess - Glad to have you back TTC! Good luck!
Chas - I was going to respond to your blog - but I am still thinking my advice over since it is such a delicate situation.
Jamie - It sounds like you are having a rough time - you are almost done re-setting and I can't wait to hear about how well the BCP worked for you!
Heather - Good luck with the transfer on Sunday - I will be thinking about you and praying for you!
Jenna - I know it is hard when it feels like noone remembers or understands about m/c - and unless they have experienced it they don't - try to stay positive - I'm thinking about you.
Heather M - Have you thought about going to Classmates.com to see about getting in touch with that friend? I didn't go to my 10 year - not enough time passed as far as I was concerned.


For Everyone else I am forgetting - I hope you all have a great day - good luck with the 2WW or the Ovulation Wait or the Baby dancing or the Cyst skrinage - whatever the case -

The party was fabulous

Well, the party was really fantastic! Samantha looked beautiful and everyone had a great time - her candle ceremony was really great and she wrote a lot of wonderful speeches for everyone - she is really talented that one - in so many things - she is becoming such a gorgeous young woman and I am so proud of her!

My mother's day was uneventful - we went to lunch at OKIE DOKIES and then visited with my mom. We had bar-b-que at my sis-in-laws house. Joe pre-ordered Star Wars tickets for me - we are going on Saturday the 21st!
I know that doesn't sound like a big deal - but it is a nice gesture considering he has absolutely no desire to see the movie! We will probably go to dinner before hand - my brother will watch the little man.

Last night I had to take my niece and nephew to their concert - I am sorry - but there is nothing worse then sitting through a 6th grade concert!! Their band played really well though - but the orchestra band sounded like Cats in Heat! It was terrible - and I know I am a terrible person for saying so!

ON the TTC front - I am on CD12 - yesterday my lining was thin and my doc was talking about possibly having to skip this cycle and go on a different medication next month - well, thankfully, I went back this morning and my lining is triple A, measuring at 7 - so we will be able to do IUI this cycle!

The doc will call with my blood results - if my blood shows a surge than IUI will be tomorrow - if no surge then I will get the shot tomorrow morning and IUI on Thursday - God I hope it works this cycle - I am getting so anxious to be pregnant!

OK - well I think that is all for the update! Have a good day!

CD 8

Well, it is cycle day 8 - took my last Clomid dose last night - I have to say - symptoms this month aren't as bad as last month - I am not as tired (maybe b/c of the prenatals I have been taking), I only had 2 hot flashes so far and my mood has been pretty even (which DH is SOOO thankful about).

I have a busy weekend planned so I probably won't be online too often. Tomorrow is my niece's sweet 16...for those of you that didn't see it back in February...here is her dress:




(Sammy is way cuter though!)

Anyway, after work today I will be going to my sister's house and helping with last minute details - then I have to go buy something for myself to wear (yes, I have something I can wear - but I want something new!)

Tomorrow at 12:30 we meet at the hall to decorate - my husband has to pick up the food at 6 and then the party starts at 7.

Sunday is mother's day - I don't know what DH has planned - but I am sure I will be busy.

My husband still didn't get his results - he was supposed to go yesterday - but he called and re-scheduled for MOnday because he was in the middle of 3 different jobs and he didn't want to leave - because you know, a heart problem isn't a serious thing at all - done arguing about it!

So that is that - I hope everyone is doing well and I hope to talk to you all soon!

CD 3

Went to doc this morning for initial cycle bloodwork and base line U/S.

Turns out....they are doubling my clomid - started 100mg a night - my husband is screwed - does this mean I will be a Double Bitch? I might get pregnant after all this - but I may also get divorced.

That's pretty much it - the cycle begins again.....stay tuned

CD 1

Well, AF arrived this afternoon at work - of course it was 15 minutes after my doctor's office closed. I will need to go to Plainview on Sunday for a baseline U/S and blood work - don't really like the Plainview Office - but oh well.

OK - Ally you are our last hope!

King Joseph 2 

King Joseph 

This Uterus is Bare

WELL, just as I knew it would be - I got a call from the nurse this afternoon - Negative. I was with my father when I got the call so I couldn't get upset - Dad isn't really aware of all that I am going through right now trying to get pregnant - and honestly - he has other things to worry about.

I have to discontinue the progesterone and then go back to the doctor on Cycle Day 3 for a base line and to start Clomid and this whole stupid cycle all over again.

Am I discouraged? Abso-fucking-lutely! This is totally out of control - how come my mother could have 7 - count them 7 - kids and I can only get pregnant with one????? Why can teenage sluts have baby after baby that they don't take care of and my son can't have a brother or sister?

Why can some women get pregnant when their underwear touch their husbands in the wash and I have to have my husband Jerk Off in a Cup and have some lady inject into me .....and I still can't get fucking pregnant!!!! What the fuck is going on here??? Am I trying to hard?? It seems that I got pregnant so much easier when I didn't have all this information. All I did was chart BBT - had sex the Morning that I saw the Spike (yes the day of the spike - not the day before or two days before - but the day OF the Spike - and all websites clearly indicate that once your temps go up - it is often too late to get pregnant - well, not in my fucking case!!!) Took me 3 months with Joey and 2 months with my second - Now with all this info - nothing for over a fucking year! This is such bullshit - it really is!

Ally, Lesley, Jaime, Jess, Chastity, Heather, Jenna, ALL of the Women on PW - where the hell are our BFP's????? All of these women deserve to hold beautiful babies in their arms - where is the fucking justice - what could possibly be the plan?????????????????????????????


OK - enough of figuring out the plan....I understand that maybe I am not meant to know what the plan is....only that there is one.....I will need to be content with that.....I will need to learn and accept that maybe I will not have another child - for whatever reason that may be - maybe my son needs my full attention, maybe God knows that two kids would be too much pressure on me and I would not be able to handle it.....maybe other people deserve one more than me.....I don't know - I am done trying to figure it out....3 more tries on the IUI - then I am done - that will be the end of my journey.

On another note:

I took my dad to the Neurologist today. He believes that it is MS. My father has to go for two follow up tests and then a consultation with an MS Specialist for a 2nd opinion. If these two tests are inconclusive, then he will need to go for a spinal tap - I am praying that the tests are conclusive and he does not need to go through this.

The doctor said that the prognosis of someone diagnosed later in life with MS is good - because it can take several years for the symptoms to progress - had he gotten it in his 30's, he could be in a wheel chair right now.....Since he is 60, he might be 80-90 before it progresses that far - and not to be morbid - but he may not even be around then (My dad's words were...."Well, I hate to break it to you, but men in my family die early" I promptly told him to shut up!)
The MS, if that is what it is, will be managed with injections based upon the specialists recommendations.
The good news is he got the OK to go back to work tomorrow - so that is a good thing. The doctor kept him on the Plavix - just in case it was in fact a stroke.

RE: Joe's Stuff:

Well, Joe has an appointment with his cardiologist tonight and he will get the results of the monitoring - so we shall see what that doctor says.



On a good note: I have a dinner dance to go to on Saturday night - so at least I will be able to drink! And you can bet I am going to have my fill of Italian Red Wine!

What little hope I had.......

Is slowly seeping away....I am getting cramps.....that's all folks!!

The worst blogger

I have to be the worst blogger in the world - days and days go by with no update for me.

Well.....I took two tests - I took one yesterday afternoon - BFN and one this morning - BFN.

I am due for AF on Wednesday - but it will be prolonged because of the progesterone - I will be going for a blood test on Wednesday - which will be a big fat waste of $20. I don't know why I am even bothering - I must be a glutton for punishment - like I want to hear her say - nope sorry - negative - Jeez! I can't even get a false positive.

I know I said I wasn't expecting it to happen in the first round - it so rarely does - but part of me is like "Holy Shit - they put 5million good sperm in my uterus - and not one freakin' tadpole could find it's way - what the fuck is the point - why the hell am I putting myself through this?" This past month I have been poked and prodded - 20 viles of blood have been taken from me, I downed Clomid pills, I had sonograms, I am currently shoving progesterone suppositories up me (real fun) - I have been wearing a pad for a week and I don't even have AF yet! Maybe it just isn't going to happen for me - maybe I should just give all this shit up- count my blessings and move the fuck on!

OK OK I know - pessimism does not become me - I am the silver lining chick - the "your baby isn't done cooking" chick - so I promise to get over this quick.

I went to the Yankee game - I left in the 7th inning - they were beating Texa 8 - 1, that is much better than yesterday's embarrassment!!! Come on guys - get it together! That is the thing with the Yankees - they aren't happy unless they are ripping your guts out!

We took my two nieces - they seemed to have a good time and I navigated the subways pretty good. All in all it was a nice day.

Neurologist Appointment for Dad on Wednesday - discussion about MS - not looking forward to it.

My husband gets results of heart monitoring on Wednesday too - I hope all is well.

So many things set up for Wednesday - I pray it is not a day of bad news - not sure how much more this back can take.

My brother (in the Army) can't come to my niece's party next Saturday - he was picked for a mission that he is not allowed to talk to us about b/c it is classified - OK so now I am not worried! He says it isn't dangerous but he lies.

OK - I think that is it because this was a dreary downer post - Sorry - I finally update and it is this bullshit.

I hope everyone is doing ok. Bye.

Progesterone.....LLLOOOOWWWW

Well, got the results of the Progesterone - Low 8.22 - it should be around 15-20 by now. It is 9:16pm and I am waiting for the pharmacy to get here to give me my progesterone suppositories.....GROSS!

That's it...not much else...just bummed.

Quick one - I am at work!

Just a quick update- sorry I am so lax about updating and commenting - I am really bad at that!

OK so I am on cd 22 - 7dpo, 6dpIUI, one day till progesterone check (thank you Ally for info), 8 days until pregnancy test. I hate admitting it....I am starting to get so optimistic. I play this game with my husband...I tell him "Right now, if you had to say yes or no which would it be? Am i pregnant or not?"

Of course, he says "Yes" - because really - why would he tell me no? He says it is because my boobs are gigantic (mind you - they are always gigantic - they are double dandies!) . SO I smile, and tell him - it is b/c of the Clomid.

I have absolutely no symptoms of anything yet. I am tired - but I have been running ragged for the past two weeks - so it isn't pg tired (unfortunately).

My sister in law had her baby a month early - a little baby girl 5 lbs 6 oz - She let me be in the room for a while (until it got really hairy). It was such an honor. Although I admit that I secretly thanked God that Joey was breached and I didn't need to experience those pains!! (I am such a wuss!)

My husband has an appointment with the cardiologist on Thursday - he has a non-specific abnormality in his EKG - seriously - Can we pile ANY more shit on me!! Well, I am just glad he is getting looked at - We were at the Hospital from 8pm Friday night until 6AM Saturday morning - then I went straight to work! THEN I went to the Hospital at Noon for my sister in law - I did not get home until 11:00pm Saturday night!!! I was up from 6am Friday until 12am Sunday - 42 freakin hours straight!!! I got maybe 45 minutes sleep in the hospital - but that was it! I spent all day SUnday in bed! I am still tired.

Isn't it weird that you don't get enough sleep - you are tired for days. If you sleep extra one day, the energy only lasts that day!! You can't bank sleep - strange.

Very tired of the drama at PW - we were doing really well there for a while - I guess every few months a little crap needs to get started to weed out the assholes and make everyone closer who is there. We are accused of being a clique - but (I think Jaime may have said it) - so what??? It certainly isn't a group that any one of us wanted to be a part of - the OVER A YEAR group - it sucks balls - big time.

Are we sensitive? You bet we are! I don't give a shit about it either! I find it odd though that our board NEVER goes to other boards to start trouble - I mean EVER - but people find that it is all right to start garbage on ours - well - whatever - drama over - thank goodness. We tend to get wrapped up in the negative when it is going on - but the truth is - 99.9% of the ladies on that board are ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC - they help when they can - and if they can't - they keep their mouths shut or just say a "sorry I don't have info - but I am thinking of you!". We all understand that being at that site isn't our end-all - really there are only about 5-7 new posts per day - but I LOVE that - I could never keep up with the other board.

I guess it is sad - because we know all the questions and answers so they don't fill up the board every day - but that is what we wanted.

I am saying to all who read this and everyone on PW - You are wonderful women and I pray that someday soon we can all get the HELL off that site!!!

Well, I guess it was longer than I expected!

IUI and DD (no - not Dunkin' Donuts)

Well, I had my IUI yesterday. The longest part was waiting for them to spin the swimmers out of control. When all was said and done they injected 5 MILLION tadpoles into my uterus.....maybe I am off the wall here - but when you think that there are 5 MILLION sperm swimming inside you....it kind of grosses me out...

Also, I have a question for anyone with an answer.....where do the other 4,999,999 sperm go after one fertilizes the egg???

The IUI itself wasn't too bad...I had some cramping when she put the cathetar into my cervix that lasted about 1/2 hour afterwards but it was not bad at all - the anticipation is definately worse than the reality!

So I go next Wednesday for a Progesterone blood draw and the following Wednesday for a Blood pregnancy test - 13 more days to go until I know either way! I have a busy few weeks so hopefully the waiting won't be that bad.

Monday night I am going to some Psychic guy who is supposed to talk to dead people - ok - I know it is hokey - but you never can tell - I went once before and my boss' husband was read - it was kind of weird - I am giving my Grandparents and Joe's mom one more chance to come through- if not - then obviously they have nothing of importance to say to me (or the guy is a complete and utter sham) and I will save my money.

Wednesday 20th - Progesterone Draw

Thursday 21st - Mommy and Me

Sunday the 24th - Yankee Game (against Texas - Sorry We need to kick your butt Ally!)

Then 27th is the Test.

I also have to bring my dad to the Neurologist on the 27th - Oh and did I tell you.....My dad got hit by his truck last week....Jeez - this guy can't catch a freakin' break.

He put the truck in park, got out, went around to the back, looked under it for some reason, stood back up and then it started rolling backwards towards him - he jumped back , fell on the ground, hit is head and hurt his back. He spent another afternoon in the hospital - had to get a cat scan - I guess he won't be happy until he totally obliterates his brain!!! What a handfull that man - lol.

On another Note..........I went to the Duran Duran Concert at that Garden last night - I was AWESOME! We got stuck for about 45 minutes on the train so we couldn't go to a restaurant for dinner, we just hit some sandwich place - but it saved us money - so of course, I bought a T-shirt because I am such a nerd.

The guys sounded so good live - which was a relief - I have always wanted to see them live and I would have been pissed if they sounded like shit.. Alot of bands sound good on vinyl (ok - I am soooo dating myself - but I don't know what CD's are made from) and then live they sound like complete shit - makes you realize alot of bands are purely studio creations. But they sounded so good!

They have a song on their new CD about Bedroom Toys - when they played it someone through a blow up doll on stage - it was funny.

Then when the lead singer was finished introducing the band, he asked someone from the audience to introduce him - and of course the one person out of 20,000 fucking people that doesn't know his name - introduced him as someone else - He was like "Ok, maybe someone else" Too funny.

We also had these WACKOS sitting near us. There was one couple directly to our left - OH MY GOD>>>>They were wacking out like dancing with all these hand gestures and acting out the songs - it was terrible.

THEN....there was this couple - ONe was really big and flamboyent dancing all over the place like he was totally wacked out on Crack and his girlfriend - ok picture this - she had long ratty hair and she had the sides up with one of those butterfly clips - she was wearing 80's style tight light stone washed stretch denim jeans with one of those BIG black Leahther belts with the really Big buckle (again - check out VH1's Awesome 80's if you don't know what I am talking about), a too too small tank top and a black vest - her Gut was totally hanging over her pants (it was actually really gross) and she was just flipping out gyrating and humping the guy next to her - My husband looked at me and said "EVERY FUCKING TIME" lol.

Thankfully the other people around us were normal.

Husband isn't really a fan - he came along to be my Midnight train bodyguard - but he said he really enjoyed it - he was actually moving a little to the music - which is BIG for my husband - So serious.

Well, that is it - I am jumping in the shower now because I am off to Mommy and Me with the boy! I will talk to everyone later.

I got the shot!

OK - so I had an 18mm follicle on the left!!! Woo Hoo - I got the shot today and tomorrow am I go in for IUI - Here comes Dixie Joey!!

They give you the shot in the stomach - ouch! Actually, it doesn't hurt going in - good thing I have all that excess fat! Afterwards though - it feels really sore!

So IUI in the AM, go home maybe take a nap and then DURAN DURAN at 8pm Baby! I can't wait - I am so psyched!!!!

Well, that's my update - I will let you know how it goes tomorrow!


Update:

My doc's office just called - they said that my blood work did in fact show a surge so we are definately on for tomorrow at 8am. I also asked her to clarify what the doc said about my endometrium lining (remember it was thin before) - and she said that my lining was Triple A - which means it is nice and fat for implantation!

Note to self: Stop getting excited Jenn - just stop it right this minute!

Note to Ally: Good luck today girlie - I am thinking about you.

Note to Lesley: Damn it - we need to talk - I'm sorry I had every intention of getting back online last night but then I conked out!!!!

Note to Everyone: I miss you guys - Sorry it took me so long to comment on your blogs !

Wow, it's been awhile!

I wish I could say that life has been exciting...it hasn't. So.....here are the latest happenings in Jenny land.....

Trying to Conceive:

Well, I have gone for two sonograms so far and still the follicles are not ready yet. I go for my third sono tomorrow - I really hope that I can get the shot because it is $20 a pop for the co-pay when I go. If I am lucky enough to get the shot then IUI will be either Wednesday or Thursday...I am off both of those days so it will be convenient!

I am getting frustrated and I admit that I am sad after each appointment - I hate that i have to go through all of this just to give Joey a brother or sister. I know if I am lucky enough to get pregnant than I will feel that it was all worth it but it doesn't make the wait any easier.


Dad's Health:

Well, Dad had his second MRI and they can't find any signs of the stroke and apparently he still has the lesions. What this means is that the doctor's think it was an MS episode and not a stroke. He is back at work and he is happy about that. We have a Neurologist appointment on the 27th so we will see what the doctor says. Meanwhile, I am doing research all over the place on it and asking a bunch of questions (Note: if anyone has any info on the subject, please send it my way).

Joey:

Joey is doing good...he is VERY happy that the weather is warmer - we have been outside every chance we get. His aunt bought him a new bicycle (a big boy bike with training wheels) so we have been up and down the road a million times.

I signed him up for Preschool ($250 later!) and now he can't wait to go. He keeps telling me "Mommy, you can't stay with me at Preschool!" I know that the fact that he is independent enough that he feels he can go to school himself means that I did my job well - but it still breaks my heart to think how big he is getting. It also makes me nervous that he will not be that close to his brother or sister because they aren't super close in age....BUT then I remember that my sister and I are 4 years apart and we are REALLY close...and I am close with my other brothers and sisters as well and there is 10 years both ways between me and the oldest and youngest....so I guess it will all work out for the best.

The way I think about it is (and I have mentioned to a few already) is that my baby is not ready to be born yet - the perfect baby for our family is still in the production phase - when he or she is ready then they will come to us. I say this because I KNOW that if I do have another baby, when he/she is born I will say "Oh, she/he was so worth the wait...I wouldn't take a minute of it back"

If I don't ever have another child? Well than that just means that apparently my son needs my undivided attention - and I will accept that as well. My prayer for everyone is they get exactly what they are supposed to get. Country lyrics say it best.....

"Some of God's greatest gifts, are unanswered prayers"

"God bless the broken road, that led me straight to you"

(Hey - no one warned my that a side effect of Clomid was turning into a cheese ball!!)

What's going on with me?

Well, two more days until the Duran Duran Concert in the city!!! OK - so like I said, I am a cheese ball, but I Can't Wait!!!!!!!!!! My husband and I will be taking the 4pm train into the city, having dinner and then going to the concert - like a bona fide date!!! It has been so long since we were able to spend some time together as man and wife instead of mom and dad or aunt and uncle or accountant and drywall contractor. Hopefully I will get some crazy hot and heavy sex too!!!!!

I went to a baby shower Saturday - it was fine as far as baby showers go - the food was excellent. I felt bad because my sister in law and the new moms friend threw the shower....but my sister-in-law got stuck doing EVERYTHING. The other girl didn't help set up, didn't help during the party and didn't help Clean Up - what a bitch. All she did was write down who gave what while the mom was opening gifts and shook her boobs - it was a disgusting display.

My sis-in-law was so tired that I took her son to his Lacrosse game the next day so she could sleep in a little bit. And something I didn't realize.....I like Lacrosse!!!! The game was so exciting and my nephew did so well - he scored a goal and everything. The team he played against was supposedly really good but they beat them six to three!!!! Woo Hoo!

I think I just may offer to take him to next Sunday's game as well!!!


Work has been crazy...the tax practice was behind a little so I had to actually do some tax returns.....I never do tax returns......it wasn't bad though - they didn't give us the really tough ones! The 15th is only 4 days away - it is almost over. They are in good shape now though so that is a good thing.



Well, I guess that is it....I am sorry that it took so long to reply to everyone's blog or to post on PW - I am a complete slacker!!! Love you guys!!!!

Bless the Broken Road - Rascal Flatts

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Blood Work

Well, last night was my first night of Clomid....Come on Viable eggs! I was reading a little on PCOS last night and some of the symptoms. I was reading that only 40% of the women that do ovulate on Clomid (that have PCOS) will get pregnant - I guess that is why Doc is doing IUI too - instead of just Clomid.

If my blood work comes back that I have an insulin resistance or diabetic - doc will put me on metaformin (sp?). From what I am reading this too increases your chances of getting pg.

I went for my blood work this morning - got there at 7:10 and didn't leave until 9:40 - I had to get the 2 hour Glucophage test - which means - they draw all my blood (for all tests and glucophage test) then I wait an hour - take more blood - wait another and hour and they take the final draw.

It was a pain in the ass but they seemed really efficient and the guy was nice and gentle (considering he had to prick my arm 3 x.) Now I have black and blues on the inside of the elbow on both arms (Go blood drawn yesterday at Docs office).

So......4 more doses ofClomid and then to the doctor's office 3 days later after that (cycle day 10). If follicles are big enough then I get the HCG shot - which means IUI would be either Friday or Saturday - if it is Saturday then I will have to go out to Plainview for the insemination - which will suck. I also have a baby shower on Saturday - so I am going to have to take the WHOLE day off - originally I was going to work 7-12 - Oh well - I will do what I have to do.

It is kind of a scary feeling to know that if I am not pregnant in the next 4-6 cycles the most then I am done- I don't think we will do the IVF - it is way too expensive - but then again - I don't know how I will feel in 6 months - so Never say Never I guess.

If I get pregnant on this cycle, I will be due on January 3rd. So what that means is that I will probably have the baby in December 2005 - they will C-section me early because of uterus issues from my last pregnancy.

I am a little worried that I may get pregnant with multiples - not too worried that I will not do the procedures - more than taking care of them - I am worried about carrying them. I had a Cone Biopsy last year and now I run the risk of having an incompetant cervix - I think I will get the suture (sp?) early on - to prevent that - my doctor is pretty good like that and discusses my wants as well as his suggestions.

I have to call the doctor in a little while so I can discuss with the office manager the referrals she will need to call up for (Semen Analysis at Hospital and IUI). I know everything is covered - but all the red tape bullshit is a pain in the ass - so I am worried that they will screw it up. I am also curious to see if I will need to call up EVERY month for Authorization if IUI doesn't work the first month - ok no negative thinking - it will work, it will work, it will work!!!

Talk to everyone soon!

Fertility Specialist Appointment

OK - so here it is - what happened at my appointment today.....

Well, I went through all my history with the doctor...He reviewed Joe's Semen Analysis and gave me the option of starting the Clomid/IUI cycle this month or next.

Of course I picked this month (rather sooner than later). So....I got my blood drawn and then got the U/S done for the base line. Well, he does the Ultra Sound and then after rattling off numbers to his nurse, asks me "Do you find that you are having problems with facial hair??"

OK -so this is a weird question - and unfortunately the answere is "yes, I feel like I am waxing and tweezing way more lately" OK - for whoever decides to read this - I know - not very feminine - but I do wax and tweeze and I promise - I don't look like a man!!!

Then he said "Is there Diabetes in your family?" So I have to answer "Yes, my father is borderline diabetic but it was just diagnosed."

Doctor: "I think you may have PCOS"

Me: "And that means......."

Doctor: "Well I am sending you for blood work, you will get the Glucose test and will need to fast before it - no eating past 9:30 pm the day before the test. You appear to have cysts on your ovaries which could be affecting ovulation."

Me: "Well, should we move forward with IUI then?"

Doc: "Yes, if we determine that you Do indeed have PCOS then we will adjust how you are treated from there - but for now we should continue with our course."

So....Joe needs ANOTHER sperm analysis as a comparison to his previous.

I go for blood work tomorrow.

I take my Clomid from Tonight to Monday.

I go BACK to the Doctor on Thursday for another Ultrasound.

If the follicles are big enough I will get an HCG shot.

A few days later Iwill get the IUI.
Two days after that (if I am reading the info correctly) I will get another IUI.

Few days after that I will start the Progesterone.

A week to 10 days after that I go for my blood test.

IF PCOS diagnosis is made, then I am not sure where we go from there. It is so freakin' annoying.

So.....either this time next month I will be happier than a pig in shit or I will be a miserable hormone-filled psycho bitch that noone will want to deal with!!! Let us hope and pray it is the former!

Talk to everyone later

AF and Dr. Appointment

Well, AF arrived yesterday - and boy is she here with a vengeance. I don't know if it is because I had a more normal length cycle (30 days) or what but I am cramping alot worse than usual. I was up 3 times last night taking something for the cramps. They have subsided a little now. I usually just lay on the couch when she arrives but today - I don't know if I was pissed off or what - but I did the Spring Cleaning in my kitchen - washed down all the walls, the baseboards, behind appliances, you know the deal... All I have left to do is inside of the cabinets - which I think I am leaving for tomorrow or Sunday because now I am beat and I have to start cooking any second.

I am making boring chicken cutlets tonight - snore.

Blogger has not been working...I was prepared to post a huge rant on the fact that the bitch showed up....but now I am over it...well, not over it, but you know what I mean. Why should this month be any different than any other?

I found out that I am not really going to see and RE....he is actually a plain old gynecologist but he is part of an Infertility Group....which basically means that he will have access to all of the infertility information but I will not need to get a referral to go to him. And...if for some reason he thinks I should see someone else in his practice...they can do the referrals without much of a fuss b/c it will be one doctor in the practice to another. I guess that is a good thing.

I have a feeling they will make Joe go for another analysis...that is what my current gynecologist said....I guess they can't just go by one - especially if the one had issues. Joe will just love that!

It if finally beautiful here...very spring like...I had my windows open all day and my heat is off...which is good considering what the cost of oil is right now...last week I got 200 gallons of oil and it cost me $400 !!!! I almost had a freakin' heart attack!!!

My dad goes for his follow up MRI on Friday...they think he may have MS because the last MRI showed lesions on his brain....this is really scary. From what I have been reading, when MS is diagnosed this late it usually goes straight to "stage II" which basically means each "attack" will get progressively worse.
I am praying that they will say "No, it is not MS - his stroke was just worse than we originally thought". Please God, let my Dad be OK.

OK - well, I need to go bread my chicken cutlets now. I hope everyone is doing well.

Here is my son and his favorite Uncle Pat!! No - it is not an illusion - mini me is really completely inside that back-pack!!!! 

Update

Well, I went out and bought FRED.....3 Tests, 3 BFN, AF due in 2 days, I am out this month, Mother Fucker.

Final Tally

OK so here is the final tally on the internet tests:

Thursday night - faint positive
Friday at 3am - negative
Friday at 7am - negative
Friday at 6pm - faint positive
Saturday 5am - negative

Damn you Cheap Internet Test Scum!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Damn you False Positives!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Actually, I wasn't really upset because the positives looked exactly like the one I got so hopeful about two months ago....so I didn't believe it when I saw it.

I know what you are thinking - she is reading the tests too late - but I am not...the positives come up within three minutes....and they stay there. I didn't even bother showing hubby b/c I know it was really a negative.

So I am on cycle day 27 - I should be getting AF on Tuesday or Wednesday - I o'd on CD 17 - so 14 days from then CD 31 my temp should drop (Wednesday) and latest I will get AF is CD 32 - Thursday.

My boobs still hurt but they are not killing me....looks like it is an '06 kid for me.

I hope everyone has a Happy Easter....I am sorry that I have not been responding lately.....it seems like I can't keep up lately. I do miss you girls!

Talk to everyone soon.

I have issues - serious fucking issues

"Thank you for your payment. Your transaction has been completed, and a receipt for your purchase has been emailed to you"


Do you know what the fuck that is????? Yes, that is right - it is my confirmation for my cheap internet pregnancy tests that I VOWED never to get again because of the false positives!!!!!!!

Son of a bitch what is my deal!?! My boobs started hurting today - I am on Cycle day 22 - I probably ovulated on CD 17 - which means I am about 5 dpo - even though I KNOW I AM NOT PREGNANT - I have already started thinking about taking a test - what happened to me - yesterday I said I would wait until Easter - and then what do I go and do??? Buy those Stupid fucking cheap tests that don't work anyway!!!! I am such an asshole!

My only saving grace is that I won't buy any of the more expensive ones now because I know the cheap ones are on order and will be here in 3-4 days - so If I get them by Thursday then I will take the tests Thursday night, friday morning, saturday morning, sunday morning and Monday morning - which will bring me to all of Cycle day 29 - 2 days before AF is due - maybe I will be able to hold out for two days to see if (and when) AF arrives on Tuesday or Wednesday.

My boobs started hurting a little last night - so today I checked FF to see when they started hurting last month and the month before - and because they are beginning to hurt about 4-5 days earlier than usual - here I go getting my fucking hopes up again - Jesus - I only danced on my first peak day (actually it was in between the two - I got my first peak CD16 morning and we danced at about 1:30am on CD 17.) - So my chances are slim - real slim.

Why do I do this to myself - and why the hell does it come on so suddenly???? Yesterday I thought I was ok - no problem - I can wait - Today.....what a fucking mess!!!!

OK - I really need to get back to work - God - I need to start compartmentalizing (sp) - work when I am at work, mess around when I am at home!!!!

I have SERIOUS FUCKING ISSUES PEOPLE.......I think I need an Intervention - Big Time!!!

Cd what?

Well, I guess it is a good sign when I need to check my fertility monitor to see what cycle day I am on. Wait, let me go check.....OK - I am cycle day 21 - I guess that means I am due in about 9 to 11 days - which will bring me to next Tuesday to Thursday. I will probably test on Easter morning - just because it would be nice to get a positive result on a holiday - as if that is going to happen.

It is 2:45 and I am still in my bathrobe. I took a shower about 2 1/2 hours ago and haven't motivated since - I made Joey lunch and then we painted flower pots as a present for his Grandma for Easter - He kept saying "Mommy, My Grandmother is going to love her flower pot!"

I have to go to a birthday party tonight for my nephew - he is 3 years old - they are having pizza so at least I don't have to cook tonight! Actually, it is my best friend's son - but he calls me Aunt Jenn. Joey asked me a few weeks ago "Mommy, is James my cousin?" - It was easier to say yes than to explain. They usually get along pretty well - or at least know that they aren't allowed to beat eachother up!

I am starting to feel down about my chances this month - we only danced on the fist peak day - and that didn't work last month so I am sure this isn't the month either. The only thing is that we didn't really try too hard this month - I wasn't obsessing, didn't take my temps and only used the monitor a few times - so the pressure isn't so big this month if I don't get a positive. It is worse if you are trying really hard and then still nothing. I wish I could go back to when I wasn't armed with so much information. The internet is great - but it can also suck since there so many places to get answers - there is a thing as knowing too much!

As usual, I don't have much to say, not feeling very creative so I have no witty commentary this afternoon - I am much more inspired before ovulation than after!

So I hope everyone is doing well - I am going to try to comment now on everyone's blog if blogger will let me.

CD 20

Not much going on with me. My sister bought Joey and big boy bike with training wheels today. He rode it for a little while and then gave up - he kept braking - I give him 2 weeks and he will be a speed demon! Maybe we will take a walk down to the horse farm today to give him some practice (after work).

I am at work right now and waiting for my boss to call us up - I am at a stand still on so many projects and I have been filling up my time so far with fluff and I have now run out of things to do - I hope he hurries up!

I don't have many plans this weekend - I am going to see my mom tonight and I have a birthday party tomorrow night -

I hope everyone is doing well - I am out of things to say - sorry - very slow lately. I hope everyone is doing well.

Today

Well, it is today - not much new going on around here. I am on cycle day 17 - I got my second day of "Peak" fertility - I can't tell you still how astonished I am that I am ovulating on day 17 - the EARLIEST I usually ovulate is day 22.

If anything, I would have assumed that I would have ovulated even later because this month has been so damn stressful!!!

Well, luckily we have been dancing like crazy lately - just because - which is nice. Last night was the first time we did it because we "had" to - but we didn't need to much convincing - OK - too much information - this I know.

The boards have been dead lately - as well as the blogs - I am as guilty as everyone for not updating - I just feel like I have been running around so much and taking care of so many things - I am too tired to respond to anything online - if I even get the energy to get online. (Thank goodness for work or I would never catch up with what is going on!! Ha Ha)

Well, I am actually about to leave work now and go pick up the boy - I will try to write later (but I always say that don't I?)

OK - bye for now.

Quick Post

OK - so just a quick one - because I am at work right now (of course).

I went to see Robots on Sunday with my husband, my son and my nephew ($60 later). It was pretty cute. The kids liked it and there was some hidden jokes for the adults in it as well.
That night we went to visit Joe's dad (he had a stroke last year) so all-in-all it was a pretty good day.

I am on cycle day 16 - and much to my surprise (more like Holy Shit! what the Fuck is that????) I had 3 bars on the monitor today!!! So I will dance tonight and tomorrow - so much for not "Actively" trying.

I think the O reading might be messed up because I have not been religiously testing - they have asked for 7 tests so far and I have only done 3 - one I got a low reading - then yesterday I got High and this morning I got O - so I may have screwed myself. CD16-18 is VERY Early for me - that would leave me with a 30 - 32 day cycle - my usual cycle length is 36 - so who the hell knows.

Regardless, we have been doing it like freakin' bunnies lately anyway. My DH has been a horn toad lately - and I am not complaining - it is amazing how dancing can be fun when it isn't forced!

Oh well - back to the drawing board tonight - legs in the air!!!

Hope everyone is doing well.

OK - so I am trying this again

Blogger is pissing me off - I already posted a witty and insightful entry about 10 minutes ago - and received a time out error - magic like my last post does not happen twice - oh well, let me try again.....

I took my dad to the Neurologist yesterday...The doc was great (no hands in my face - lucky for him). He told my dad that if the stroke had occurred 1mm to the left he would have been totally paralyzed on his right side - very scary thought.

I have been in "just deal with it" mode this past week - which is really good for getting things done when they need to be - but I don't think it is entirely healthy....yesterday, watching my Dad get checked out - I realized how close we came to losing him - I am not ready for that yet - I am only 31 - I don't think I would be able to handle losing my Dad yet - he has always been so strong for us - even when his life was in a shambles - I love that guy and I don't know what this family would do without him.

Thinking back - I think I have been in "just deal with it" mode for the last almost two years. July 2003 Joe's dad had a massive stroke - so I had to take care of my husband and help out with the legal stuff with Joe's Dad (thankfully, and probably selfishly on our part, Joe's sister and her husband are dealing with the brunt - no that is inaccurate - all of his everyday care). Two months later, I had my miscarriage and operations because they found some precancerous cells during my pregnancy pap, Two months after my miscarriage (and the day before my birthday), my grandmother had a massive stroke and was on life support - we had to deal with the "should we/shouldn't we" family arguments, then after we decided to take out the breathing tube - we had to watch her for another day before she finally let go.

Although Joe and I are good now...we went through some really tough times together after the miscarriage - we basically just shut eachother out - and although we started trying to get pregnant again - we weren't where we should have been emotionally. Thankfully, we have worked things out, talked and are really back on the right track, but it was scary for a while there.

Now with my Dad's stroke - well, I am feeling like the camel's back is going to break soon - I am moving one day at a time and trying to deal with things the right way - I hope I am succeeding...

I am sorry this post seemed so down - because I am not really depressed - I just type that way....I think as I type and whatever comes out comes out!

Chas...I tried to reply to your blog - but damn blogger gave me an error! Sorry.

Hope to talk to everyone soon!

HHHHEEEERRRREEEE''''SSSS Jenny!

Well - I am back. A little worse for the wear but I am here and still standing. Let me just say this....Jamaica Hospital Sucks....the neurologist at the hospital is an arrogant incompetant asshole....the nurses on the stroke ward are fake bitches....and the Emergency Room is more like Romper Room - It is a miracle that my father came out of there in-tact!

The second day my father was in the hospital I noticed that his right side was ALOT weaker than the day before. One day he could do a crossword puzzle - the next he couldn't even write his name. His speech was slurred where it was very hard to understand him. So I asked to speak to the Neurologist.

Well, when this asshole comes in he starts looking at my dad - I tried to explain to him what the problem was and HE PUT HIS HAND UP AS IF TO SAY "SILENCE". OK - so that was once. Then he says "well, you are just like you were this morning" so I said "that may be true but he is much worse then he was yesterday - and you did not see him yesterday". Again - HE PUT HIS FUCKING HAND UP!!!! OK pal - you might get away with that once but NOT TWICE FUCKER!

So (as this neurologist is about 12 inches away from me) I turned to my sister and said "If this asshole puts his hand up at me one more time I am going to Knock him the Fuck out!" Needless to say - he turned and finally started talking to me. They gave my dad a catscan a few hours later (thank you very much).

There are several different incompetent, arrogant, inconsiderate stories that I could detail here but the story above pretty much sums up our experience. Thank God my dad is going to see his physician on Wednesday and the Neurologist on Friday!

On the Trying to Conceive Front - I am cd9 I think - the monitor this morning asked for a test but I know that I am not even close so I just turned the stupid thing off. I have not taken my temp yet this cycle - I am just so tired and I don't know if I can handle another let down this month - so I am going to take a breather - I know by next month I will get back on track but right now I feel so drained - I feel like I was concentrating so hard on trying to conceive that I am ignoring everything else around me. My dad's stroke made me want to spend a little more time with the family that I am blessed with already.

Thank you everyone for your well wishes and prayers for my dad - it meant alot to me. Hope everyone is doing well!

CD40

THE FUCKING BITCH HAS ARRIVED.

cd39

CD 39
13dpo
Monitor:Low
Mood: Even Lower
Temp. Major dip - .1 degree above coverline - I will get another big drop tomorrow and AF will be here at the latest Monday
Can't stand mean spirited people who run there mouth just to hear themselves speak
Had to buy a baby shower gift yesterday
Done talking for today

AAAUUUGGGHHH!

CD 38
12 dpo
AF due in 3 Days
BFN
Totally pissed off
That's it

Hello everyone!

Well on the ttc front - things are pretty much status quo. I am 11dpo and 4 days till AF is due - tested this morning - BFN - not surprised - pissed but not surprised.

About the Hives:

Basically, after Internet self diagnosis, I have determined that I have Cold Urticaria - which is basically an allergic reaction to the cold. DH and I have been talking and we pretty much realized that this has been going on for over a year. Since I don't spend much time out in the cold, and hardly ever go swimming - it wasn't really noticeable (sp?) until now. We did realize that anytime I go swimming in a pool or the ocean, I totally break out in hives - I have always attributed it to the chlorine or salt water - turns out it isn't that at all.
Also, when I do the dishes, if the hot water starts running out - my hands break out in hives.
So, when I was in the City last Friday and I was out in the cold for a LONG period of time (we walked from Penn to 44th street) I got a really bad noticable reaction. Last night I was outside cleaning out my car - same thing happened so I looked up "Cold Induced Hives" on the internet and this is what I found.

Basically if you go to an allergist they give you an ice test. They place an ice cube on your arm for 4 minutes then observe the area for 2 minutes afterwards. If it looks like this than you have Cold Urticaria.

Of course I did the test myself and two minutes later - Big Huge Hive on my arm - so that is enough for me. They treat you with antihistimines (sp?) but since I do not want to be on anything while TTC - I am not going to the doctor (much to the annoyance of my mother).

In other news:

I went shopping for my nieces' Sweet 16 dress today. Here is the dress we found::::





(My niece is Way Cuter) The picture doesn't do the dress justice, the beading is all sparkly - she looks like a little princess!!!!!

That is pretty much it - I will let you all know when I get another BFN tomorrow morning. I am supposed to work at 7am tomorrow - but we are in the middle of a snow storm so I don't know what is going to happen.

Hope everyone doing well.

Children's and Pregnancy Books

Here are some good pregnancy/children's books that I like:

Pregnancy:

What to expect when expecting Heidi Murkoff
What to expect when expecting Pregnancy Organizer (taken)
Belly Laughs by Jenny McCarthy (taken)
My boys can Swim -The official Guys Guide to Pregnancy by Ian Davis
The Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy - Vickie Iovine
Your Pregnancy Week by Week - Glade Curtis
The Mother of All Pregnancy Books - Ann Douglas
What to name your baby from Adolph to Zsa Zsa (taken)

Children's Books:

Guess how much I love you? - Sam McBratney
The Runaway Bunny - Margaret Wise Brown
Brown Bear Brown Bear What do you see (or any Eric Carle)
Morning Song (Taken)
Corduroy (taken)
Love you Forever - Robert Munsch
Everybody Poops (taken)
Anything Dr. Seuss - particularly Green Eggs and Ham, Cat in the Hat, Yertle the Turtle, The Lorax, Oh the places you will go (taken)
Baby Einstein Dog Book (taken)
Don't let the pigeon drive the Bus - Mo Willems
Goodnight Moon - Margaret Wise Brown
Where the Wild Things Are - Maurice Sendak
The Giving Tree - Shel Silverstein (taken)
Falling Up - Shel Silverstein (taken)
Stellaluna - Janell Cannon
If you give a Mouse a Cookie (or Moose a Muffin or Pig a Pancake) - Laura Joffe Numeroff
Any of the Classics: Rumplestilskin, Hansel and Gretyl, Three Little Pigs (taken), the three bears (taken) - there are some beautiful classic books being printed now.
The true story of the Three Little Pigs (three little pigs from the wolf's perspective) by Jon Scieszka
Pat the Bunny - Dorothy Kunhardt
Velveteen Rabbit (taken)


Just some suggestions.

CD 35

OK - we are getting to the home stretch here!

cd 35
9dpo
Monitor: didn't even bother turning it on this morning
mood: still kind of gloomy but climbing my way back
phantom symptoms: boobs still hurt, cramping a little today, being a TOTAL Bitch!

Don't have much to report today - I totally screwed around at work today taking care of personal bullshit - I have no idea what I am putting down on my times sheet - I did maybe 5.5 hours of work for the 8 hour day. I will need to extend my day on Friday to make up for the hours! Oh well, at least I am off for the next two days.

I have to take my niece shopping for her Sweet 16 dress - she wants to go to David's Bridal - apparently Sweet 16's are even bigger now then when I was in school - She is the last little girl in my family - after she was born it was All boys afterwards - 7 to be exact. We are all predicting that my "man's man" of a brother will be the ones to have all girls!!!!!

I am also going to dinner with a good friend of mine (we are trying to go every month) next Friday - we are going to this really good Italian Place - I love Italian - so I am looking forward to that - which means I will definately have to test by Friday since we usually polish off a bottle of wine between us!!!

That is is for now - I hope everyone is doing ok.

cd 34 - 6 more days to go until I completely give up hope

OK - one more time stats:

cd 34
8dpo
monitor: low
phantom symptoms: boobs hurt - no more no less than last month
mood: impossibly low
temp: 97.8 about 45 minutes before I was supposed to be up - so at normal waking it would have been about 97.95

I have been in such a mood the past few days - I don't know if it is because I don't feel well (sore throat, headache and those damn hives) or if I am PMSing bad this month or what - all I know is that for the past two days I have woken (is that right? it doesn't look right) up in such a pissy mood. Yesterday morning I actually left my house because I knew that I was going to be a bitch to my husband for something that normally rolls off my back - like sitting around until 1pm on Sunday, or not cleaning his dishes or whatever. He asked me if it was him and I told him the truth "No, I am just in such a miserable mood that I know I am going to be a bitch to you - so I am trying to avoid that."

We fought this morning over something impossibly stupid because of my mood and I wish I would just get out of this funk already. I don't know if I am upset about knowing I am probably not pregnant this month and the thought of seeing all those specialists is driving me a little nuts (not to mention that Vytra still hasn't gotten back to me about my benefits) or what - But I AM TOTALLY GOING CRAZY LATELY!

When I am at work - I think about all the things I need to do at home (fyi - I am writing this at work) and when I am home - I am thinking about everything that I should have done at work! It is like a vicious cycle that I can't get out of - Maybe I should start going to Yoga or something - except that I would probably stress about how to fit that into my schedule!

OK - sorry - I am usually more upbeat but today I just don't have the energy!!

Jess: Way to go on the EWCM!
Jaime: Still Holding out Hope for you!
Lesley: Ditto for you girl, and where have you been - I miss you!
Ally: Give a rub to the triplets!!
Jenna: Stop reading this and get some homework done!!!

Talk to everyone later!

Zippy G.

CD 32

CD 32
6dpo
monitor: low
mood: tired
Temp. major dip - below coverline - just like last two non-pregnant months
phantom symptoms - boobs hurt a little and cramping- just like last two non-pregnant months


OK - so Phantom of the Opera was AWESOME! of course - the voices of the people on Broadway are incredible - I wish we all went together.

Something weird happened to me though - As soon as I came out of Penn Station I broke out in hives all over my face and legs - I looked like a prize fighter - once I went indoors it went away - only to return the next time I went outside. This happened 3 times and today my face is still puffy.

I know I should go to the doctor - but it is Saturday and the office is not open - and I have to work all day - If I am still swollen on Monday I will try to make an appointment.

Hope is dwindling for this cycle for me - I got a huge temp dip below the coverline today - normally - that would make someone excited right? Implantation Dip perhaps? But no - apparently I get this dip EVERY month at 6dpo - check out my Chart and you can see I am not just being pessimistic.

I am getting really frustrated - I don't want to go for the IUI - I don't want my husband to go through all of this testing - I want to get pregnant - why the hell can't I get pregnant???? My son has been talking about having a brother or sister lately. (His cousin has a little brother and now he wants one). It is so hard to explain to him "maybe someday" and it upsets me that I just can't give him what he wants - what we all want.

OK - I am going to stop now - it is going to be a long day and I don't want to dig myself deeper into this depression hole when I can't crawl under the covers and hide from the world.

I missed you guys yesterday. Hope to talk to you all soon.

Today

OK - so the lowdown:

cd 30 (despite what my ticker says)
4dpo
Monitor: Low (thank god I didn't have to pee again this morning)
Mood: Getting Anxious


I am a hypocrite - I tell Jaime not to test and I am dying to test - do as I say ladies - not as I do!!

It was a pretty good day today - I had Mommy and me with Joey - he did really well - he made a teddy bear on a stick - looks like a big piece of brown construction paper with a popsicle stuck up it's ass!

I am tired and it is late (10:45pm) so it is going to be a quick night on the world wide web tonight.

Just got finished watching ER - very good tonight - I love ER - it is always good.

Joey was funny tonight (the show not my boy) but I MISS FRIENDS!

I am going to the city tomorrow to see Phantom (this is my 2nd time) My dad got all his girls tickets for Christmas - it should be fun.

Well, that is it for me - I don't have much to say. It was a slow day today for all of us I think.

Have a good one.

This is for you Lesley from Joey........

cd 29 - 11 more days till testing

CD 29
3 dpo
Monitor: Low
Mood: ok

I think that monitor is getting greedy! This is the 3rd day in a row of "low" fertility and they are still asking me to test. I think it is a conspiracy to make you go through the whole box of tests in one month - hell my peak was 5 days ago - come on people!

Joe's birthday dinner went great last night -

Appetizer: Broccoli Rabe sauted with fresh garlic &
Platter of soppersata, fresh mozzerella, marinated mushrooms and assorted olives

Dinner: Chicken Francaise tossed with Angel hair Pasta and Broccoli with Italian Bread

Dessert: Devils Food Cake with Chocolate Fudge Icing (thank you Betty) decorated by Joey

I gave up chocolate for lent - but had a piece of cake anyway (so good!)

I had already given Joe his birthday presents (nothing big this year - just clothes, cds and stuff). Joey painted a bucket for his Daddy and we went to the dollar store and he picked out a bunch of things to put in it:

• Car Wash
• Chenille Mitt for washing the car
• WD-40
• Rags for washing the car
• deck of cards
• Sponge Bob Square Pants Air Freshener
• Toy truck (one that matched his so they could play together)
• hershey minature candies

He kept saying "Daddy is going to be so glad mom".

It was beautiful here yesterday - so warm - feels like spring is coming (Thank Goodness)

I have a cough so I sound very Demi Moore-ish today!

Well, that is it - I work half a day today so nothing else is new. Have a happy.

I've Decided

I am not going to go to any specialists or take any meds to get pregnant......I am just going to be pregnant this month if that is ok with everyone.

CD28
2dpo
fertility monitor: low
Mood: low


On another note...It is my husband's 34th birthday today. I am making him Chicken Francaise with a side of Broccoli Rabe (just for him - I can't stand the stuff). I just got finished baking his cake, which Joey will help me decorate. Tonight should be pretty good - it's all about my man.

Hope all is well.

Totally Pissed and Bummed

OK - first piece of advice - DON'T TALK TO THE NURSE PRACTITIONER AT THE GYNECOLOGISTS OFFICE - THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Turns out that Joe's levels aren't considered "good" or "fine" they are borderline - they could be the reason we are having a hard time conceiving. That coupled with my long cycles and my lack of CM = No Baby!

I have to go see the Urologist for Joe and make an appointment with the Fertility Specialist. My Doc won't put me on Clomid in case I have any other issues - since he is not a specialist - he would rather I saw someone else before he prescribes the Clomid.

Of course, this is all predicated upon my insurance covering the specialists. My Gyn also mentioned that the Fertility Specialist may want to go straight to IUI - instead of trying naturally on just the Clomid.

So here I am today, no closer to a baby then I was yesterday - with a mountain of research and calls to insurance companies ahead of me.

I am pissed, upset, mad, sad - you name it - I am it.

I am done here for today - Hope everyone had a nice Valentine's Day.

Happy VAlentine's Day!

So it is Valentine's Day and where am I? At work - this sucks. Where am I going later? The gynecologist - fucking yippee.

Monitor - One bar - Low
Temp. 97.2 - definate spike - definately O'd yesterday
I am tired.
I have a scratchy throat - think I am getting a cough.
Where is my assistant with my Dunkachino????????

I will write more later to let you know how DR. appt. went.

not sure what's going on?

Well.....cd26 - two bars on the monitor - 96.8 temp, had cramps last night and a little today - am I ovulating today? Fertility Friend disregarded the two high temps from the past two days since I admitted (and checked off) that I had a fever. I know I had a fever on Friday - yesterday for the first half of the day I had the chills and was achy - I am assuming I had a fever.

Here - take a look at my chart....

My Crappy Chart

So - I am going to assume that today is the temp dip and is ovulation day - I am hoping that temp goes up tomorrow - this is one day later than I o'd last month. If I O today, I will get my temp drop on the 40TH Day and AF on Day 41!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So I definately think if this month did not work than Clomid or some other kind of hormone will have to be the answer.

I am a little worried that the Clomid effects your CM - I already have CM issues - but we will see what Doc says. I am hoping that he won't do the pap tomorrow - I bd this morning (I know you aren't supposed to the day before -but we danced at 7am and my appointment isn't until tomorrow at 3 - so it will be 32 hours between dance and exam). We shall see.

What else is going on? Well, since we were sick on Friday, DH did not go to work - which means he may have to go on his birthday on Tuesday - I am still taking off - Joey and I will bake a cake for him in the afternoon and I will make a special dinner - but it would have been nice to have a day together.

I work tomorrow (Happy Valentine's Day to me) - I wish I would hit lotto already - I am so sick of working.

Joe will be 34 on his next birthday - I have known him since he was 18 - my god time sure does fly right by you!!! It is funny - even though we are grown up, married, have my son - I sometimes still feel like the 16 year old girl when I see him - I still get butterflies when he smiles at me. OK - I admit - sometimes I feel like an old woman too - but it amazes me how this guy still can get whatever the hell he wants just by kissing my neck. I try to act like I am this big strong independent woman - but I am really a 16 year old girl in a swoon because her man kissed her!!!! Kind of pathetic.

So - I guess basically things are pretty much status quo now.

Ally - Good luck at the Doctor's.
Lesley - Good luck at the Doctor's
Jenna - "Chin Up Grasshopper"
Jess - I hope you were ok cleaning out your Grandmother's stuff
Jamie - I hope you get your O straigtened out - waiting for the increase is such a pain in the ass sometimes.


To anyone else - Have a good day!!!!!!

STill Sick - Still 3 bars

Well, I am still sick - but I am at work anyway (obviously not doing too much). My temp was 98.0 at 5:00am and 98.4 at 5:45 - so it is still up there - I think because I am sick though - I don't know if I will be able to tell when my temp spikes this month.

I got 3 bars again this morning - but we didn't dance - both of us are so sick and we really weren't up for it - besides I had to be at work at 7 - maybe we will give it one last ditch effort tomorrow morning.

I am supposed to have a doctor's appointment on Monday but I may postpone it - I don't know if I want him digging down there during the two week wait - I think I would rather wait until the following week when - if in the unlikely event I am pregnant - a blood test will at least come out positive - not that it makes much of a difference - so I may just end up going - I guess I will decide tomorrow. I hate going to the gyn - I put it off as much as possible.

Joe was so sick yesterday too - but I was the one with an actual fever - so he took care of me more than I took care of him - he went out and got us lunch and dinner so I didn't have to make anything. He also took care of Joey more than I did yesterday as well - such a good guy.

Sorry I have not been online - I went on last night at around 8 - but didn't stay on for long - commented on some blogs - but that is about it. Hope everyone is doing well - hopefully I will be online later today or tonight to talk to everyone.

Bye.

STill so sick - but guess what???

We must really want to get pregnant again - both DH and I are sick - fever, chills, body aches, headache - the works. This morning I got up at my usual 5:45 and took my temp - 98.4!!! OK - so big spike but then I rolled over and realized I totally felt worse than yesterday - so temp was probably because I have a fever.

I dragged my ass out of the bed to do my morning pee on a stick - once the monitor is done I pull out the test fully expecting two bars and guess what?? 3 Bars! 3 freakin' bars - if there was ever a morning that I didn't want to see 3 bars - this was it -

I didn't believe it - I had EWCM (I know TMI) on Wednesday late night (actually Thursday morning at around 2 am) - we were going to do the dance but both of us just passed out - so i had figured that I missed my opportunity - boy was I surprised - so aches and all we managed to do the dance - and then proceeded to sleep the day away - Joey was excited because he got to watch TV all day long - which he doesn't really do - he was such a good boy for us today - I finally got off my ass around 7 and he asked me "Mommy, you aren't sick anymore???" I still feel weak and a little achy but I think the worst is over. Thank Goodness since I have to be at work tomorrow at 7 :(

Sorry I wasn't on all day guys and hope everyone is well - I have to go check my work email now - and then I think I am going to lie down again.

Sick and Tired

It is 6:09pm and I am very tired and I feel sick - I am achy all over, have a sore throat and a headache - I better not be getting sick because I have so much to do next week:

Monday - Valentine's Day & Doctor's appointment
Tuesday - DH birthday
Wednesday - Work
Thursday - Mommy & Me
Friday - Going to the City to see Phantom of the Opera
Saturday - Work
Sunday - Collapse from exhaustion



I am on cd 23 - still no temp spike - still no "Peak" on the monitor. I am pretty much going by Ally now - if she gets a peak this month then I know the monitor just had to adjust to my cycle and my levels - if she doesn't (and yes - I know she is on Clomid ) then mine is going back on sale at Ebay -

Two months ago I was using every conception method in the book - charting, opk, saliva, cm monitoring - I am slowly but surely going back to the first method - charting - all by itself.

I am so tired these past two days - probably from getting sick. I worked yesterday from 12:30 to 9:00pm - and it was supposed to be my day off!!

I was going to go in for a few hours in the early morning tomorrow - but I don't think I am going to - I brought some stuff home that I can work on when Joey takes a nap (if he takes a nap) - or maybe I will just say screw it and veg on the couch all day - I don't know.

Thank God the drama is over on PW - I never rec'd a response to my Private Messages - and they must have been deleted because now recipient reads "NA". Kacee Babe changed her name to Ashleee - before she deleted the PM it showed me - I wonder if Kacee means Kansas City ?

I don't care - as I did not receive a response it shows the type of people that we were dealing with.

Anyway - that is about it for now - cross your fingers for a spike tomorrow.

You guessed it -

Still two bars on that God for saken thing!!! It is so frustrating! Also, my temp went down to 96.9 at 7:00am - which means a comparable temp at 5:45 would have been 96 and change. So - I still have not ovulated!

Today is cd22 so if I ovulate today - it will be a 36 day cycle - which is normal for me - so we will see what the temp does tomorrow morning - that monitor doesn't mean shit right now.

I had a major migraine last night (sorry again Ally and Les) - I laid on the couch and conked out - with Joey wide awake next to me. My brain feels like it is sore right now.

I was going to rant about PW here - since it is MY Blog - but I really don't have the energy right now. It is really silly what is going on there and how "anonymous" has nothing better to do that play two ends against the middle.

Then you have the March Board posting on our board in the first place (Kayden's Mommy) and then saying "Don't post on our board" Um Hello? The thing is if Kayden's Mommy really just wanted to express her opinion that would be fine right - but SHE started a thread on her board where they could all bash us. So obviously she just really wanted to start a controversy - had she just stated her opinion on our board and been done with it - then - yes - I would have believed she just wanted to express her opinion - the new thread she created on the subject on her board tells a different story however.

I will probably write more later - I PM'd someone that posted a message on our board - although it appears that it was viewed - I have not received a response from her - I guess it isn't much fun if it isn't on Public display.

Also - Kaycee Babe - who is the one who "anonymously" posted MY blog to Heather - still hasn't responded to my PM - I wonder why that is - it is a shame that people, when asked to discuss one on one - are afraid to do so - so again, the invitation goes out to the two people I PM'd - feel free to respond - I actually welcome it.

Gotta go back to work :( I will talk to everyone later.

Jess - Ally will give you my Yahoo Messager id - it will be cool to conference with all of us!

Damn-it - STill Two Bars

And that is all I am going to say about that - And my chart is all over the place - temp back up to 97.1 this morning.

Ok - so did I O yet or no? Help me out here!

Venting - so freakin' pissed right now

OK - some "Christina" lady from the August Birth Board just tried to stir up the same Ticker crap again - Hi - it has been over for some time now - She had the balls to say that no-one responded to Heather's post - Jesus - that whole thread was a response to Heather's post! At least 10 people tried to rationally explain to Heather the whole deal.

I find it ironic that people from the August Board are coming over trying to start crap considering the ONLY reason Heather was still on the TTC board - from her own mouth - was that SHE DID NOT LIKE THE PEOPLE ON THE AUGUST BOARD. I was so tempted to reply to the post and tell little miss Christina butt-insky that HELLO, SHE DIDN'T LIKE YOU PEOPLE!!!

I am taking Jaime's advice and not responding on the Board but I am livid right now! So I guess - we can get bitched at for so called giving Heather the "boot" (which absolutely was not the CASE! but apparently she does not want to listen - and did not read any of the response posts) but it is all right for Heather to now be all "poor me they don't want to see my tickers" on the August Board - because I guess now they are good enough for her - talk about hypocritical and two-faced.

Still 2 bars

Still 2 bars and my temp was down to 96.6 - as I suspected the temps the last two days were not real spikes - it was just really hot in my house and I didn't sleep well.

Looks like more bd for me!!! Every other morning - I am on cd20 now - so I usually O around day 22 - so we shall see.

P.S. I think this monitor is just a big hunk of crap! Hello EBAY.

Crappy Monitor

OK - so Ally, I think we got the same crappy monitor - I am on my 5th day of "high" fertility! So apparently my estrogen is up but they still haven't detected an LH surge. That coupled with my weird temps this past two days and I have no idea what is going on!!! Well we are bd every other morning - let's see if that works!

I am tired today - it is beautiful here 50 degrees (that is 10 degrees Celsius to you Lesley) but I have no desire to motivate.

Right now my son is "cooking a cake for Jesus" - I tell ya, at Christmas time I tried to explain to him (in 3 year old terms) why we celebrate Christmas (the basic it is Jesus' birthday and he is so kind and good that he lets everyone get presents on his birthday). Well, he did not want to hear about it being any one elses' birthday - got very upset about the whole thing - so I dropped it - figuring he was too young. Come January 1st - and every other week he is cooking a cake or making a present for Jesus' birthday - You think they aren't listening - but they always are!.

Well, no other real news - I have no plans for the Super Bowl - I am going to start my roast now so I will just eat dinner and tune into the game now and then - do some laundry and read my book - nothing interesting - just a lazy day.

Hope everyone is doing well - here are a few messages:

Ally - glad the Clomid is not making you a banshee!
Lesley - I hope your doctor's appointment turned out good.
Jess - Party!!!
Jenna - Haven't spoken to you in a while, hope all is well!
One of 100 Jens - Thanks for your info on morphology
Jaime - Still can't believe the ex-story - but I am a bitter bitter woman!

Talk to everyone soon.

OFFICIALLY SICK OF THE WHINERS!

OK, pretty much finished with the "I want my ticker" whiners! I started a new thread about the details of the "shower" - let's get rid of the bad Karma.

Lauren (LauandJohn) and Jen (Lilmamista) both got BFP this month - good for them!!! We need to get cranking on their plans!

I was lurking at the actively trying board - just to see how everyone is doing - I have seen 3 posts already about "hey it worked for me" and "hey just relax".

Someone today posted - my doc told me to bd every 48 hours from two days before ovulation to two days after - Oh really brainiac? Thanks - never thought of changing my bd times for one or another rationalization in my head. The plan this month is:

BD on first "high" fertility day
and BD on the day my temp spikes

That is totally different from last month when all I did was bang my brains out the whole week.
And is totally different from the month before then when I did it every OTHER day
and is totally different from the month before then when I did it standing on my head ever 1.78 days and howled at the moon while pounding out "Get me pregnant, Get me pregnant" in morse code on the wall with my feet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know they mean well, I know they do - But FUCKING STOP IT ALREADY! Do they think they are telling these women something they haven't heard a million times before and done thousands of hours of internet research on it????

Here's a concept - offer your advice WHEN IT IS ASKED FOR!!!!!!!!!!! If you see the post "Hey all you pregnant ladies with the Las Vegas tickers - what exactly was your bd schedule when you conceived?" Then answer away - if you do not see it please don't start a post "A little hope", or "It worked for me", "Here's some advice", "You people suck and I am awesome", "Sorry to hear you can't get knocked up....Sucker", "Naa Naa, I am pregnant you are not!!!!!!!" You see, it is all the same to us. Unless you are coming on to say "I found this pill - it is 100% guaranteed to get you pregnant your first cycle with absolutely no short or long term side effects to you or baby." DON'T SAY ANYTHING! Keep it on the birth boards!

I'm sorry - I am tired and cranky (obviously) but this is what I want to say on the boards but can't because there will be an all-out war!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So - Still two bars

OK - who the hell knows what is going on with me this month. Still two bars on Monitor (I think I will go the way of Ally and throw the fucking thing out the window). No ferning pattern but yesterday my son dropped the scope into the sink - and now there is condensation inside the tube - so I can't go by that anymore I think.

But...my temp dropped dramatically to 96.4 (usually around 96.7-96.9) and
Major CM. Just to be safe I woke up DH early and we did the dance (I was an hour late to work - Bad Jenn!)

If my temp goes up either tomorrow or the next day then I know I was right regardless of what all other things say!

My next BD will probably be Sunday morning (did I mention we are switching to mornings?) I am on cd 17 ( I messed up yesterday and said I was on cd15 - I wasn't I was at cd16).

Hopefully my Pinocle prediction is right and I will be pregnant this month!

PW board already has an issue - Heather is offended because we don't want to see sonogram tickers and countdowns - how quickly people forget how hard it is to see that. I know that I will want to hang around the board until my first trimester is over, but I hope that I will be sensitive enough not to be rubbing it in everyones face, especially the women who have been trying much longer than me!!

Anyway, that is my daily rant. I will write more later hopefully.

It is 11:14 pm

Ok so my must see TV just ended - thank goodness the hippy was fired tonight on the Apprentice - I can't stand all of that Kumbaya crap! ER was really good, but a little boy died and it was another hard to watch episode.

I am on cd 15 right now (cd16 in about 45 minutes). There were still 2 bars on the monitor this morning and now fern patterns. I was wondering if I might o early this month - with the test and everything - actually I have been having this daydream that I O early and by the time I go to the doctors office I am 9-10dpo. I go to the Doctor's offic on Valentine's Day and find out that I am pregnant. In my daydream, I keep the news a secret until the next day when it is Joe's birthday. I tell him by gift-wrapping the hpt.

I know, I know - total day dream but sometimes that is what I do to get my head out of the depressing realty of this ttc garbage.

We have our new board on PW and while I am very happy that I won't have to hear some crap about relaxing and taking Geritol (fucking Geritol!). But there is a very strong part of me that is so sad that this board has to exist. I have been trying for 2 years - and I am one of the newbies - so many women have been trying even longer than me - I am so scared that this is going to go on for years - what will I do then? If I get pregnant this month Joey will be about to turn 4 when I give birth - my big plan of having all of my kids two years apart have been completely blown to hell. In my little plan for my life, I should be working on my 3rd child right now - not my second.

In my little plan of life every month when I get the god damn evil witch I wouldn't have been thinking about the baby I lost. I know there was nothing I could do to save that baby - but every month that I am not pregnant I start to think - "What could I have done?"

I guess nothing goes according to someone's little plan of life (as is clearly indicated by all of the women I have been talking to).

I am tough and I won't give up - but I am getting tired, so tired of this seemingly never-ending uphill battle.

Well, I hope someone on that board gets the BFP this month - we need good news for someone other than the "first month trying" twits that we had to listen to on the other board (fucking Geritol).

Ally - I hope you feel better!
Lesley - Have a great day today!
Jenna - You better have studied!
Jaime - You are awesome girl! Thanks for your persistance on the Board!
Jen - Don't make that frame!!! Screw That!
Jess - Hope your doctor appointment went ok!


Talk to everyone soon!

2 bars

Ok - so I got two bars on the fertility monitor - whatever that means - it says I am at "high" fertility. I am on cycle day 15 so I don't expect to ovulate for 7 days - or at the earlies 5 days.

Joe and I did the dance last night and even though he knows it isn't my fertile time (I swear sometimes I think he knows my cycle better than me) he told me to prop my ass up anyway- because you never can tell.

My son is laying in his bed right now fighting his nap - if he isn't asleep in another tweny minutes I will have to forget about his nap today :( . I don't know about you - but if someone told me I had to go take a nap - I wouldn't even argue for one second! I don't understand it!

I am tired today - I drank two glasses of wine last night - which is a big deal for me! That isn't why I am tired - went to bed late got up early - that is why I am tired.

Ally - I am sorry that stupid evil bitch showed her face this month. Clomid next month and a BFP for you - that is my prediction. Meanwhile go get yourself a dunkachino and a donut!

Talk to you girls soon.

Lucky for him...

You Would Pick Your Boyfriend Again!

While the initial new couple spark has faded for you two,

You've built upon your attraction - and formed a deep love.

And although things are never perfect, they're usually pretty great.

So don't let your eye wander. You've got the best catch for you, at home.




Would You Pick Him Again? Take This Quiz :-)



Find the Love of Your Life
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I'm Fun Sexy!

I got this off Jaime's blog (Thanks Jaime). Pretty cool - I like this description of me.

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